


Hold Onto Me (Don't You Ever Leave)

by eversinceniall



Series: Hold Onto Me [1]
Category: Bring Me The Horizon, Pierce the Veil, Sleeping With Sirens
Genre: Childhood Friends, Crush, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Friends to Lovers, Hurt No Comfort, Kellin is a depressed little shit, M/M, Oliver is sexy mystery guy cuz yas, Sad, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Unrequited Love, vic is kellins best friend from childhood, who he's in the unrequited loves with
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-13
Updated: 2015-12-07
Packaged: 2018-04-26 06:47:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 21
Words: 39,223
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4994317
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/eversinceniall/pseuds/eversinceniall
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kellin Quinn is a suicidal eighteen year old boy, ready to end his life.<br/>Kellin's in love with his childhood best friend, the gorgeous Vic Fuentes, who has a girlfriend of a year and a half, and is completely, absolutely straight. Or so he thinks.</p><p>Oliver appears out of seemingly nowhere just to save Kellin's life (though Kellin is adamant about it; he wanted to die, not get saved by some beautiful boy) and maybe steal Kellin's heart.<br/>Just when Kellin's begun to think he can finally get over his best<br/>friend, Vic begins to show interest including jealousy when Kellin hangs out with Oliver.</p><p>For a while Kellin is a confused mess and yet still falling hopelessly in love with Oliver, the boy who treats him so right.<br/>Torn between his best friend, the boy he's been in love with since forever, and the stranger who isn't actually a stranger, who makes him feel like he finally has a reason to live, Kellin has a tough decision to make.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> NEW FANFIC YAY!  
> So I already have three chapters  
> written, and I will post them maybe every 3-4 days.  
> This is a Kellic and a Koli. I won't reveal who Kellin will end up with in the end, because I myself do not know yet.  
> Surprises, hmm.  
> Hope you enjoy this. The first chapter is short, I know, but the second chapter and the chapters afterwards will be longer.  
> Tell me what you think in the  
> comments, feedback is appreciated.

Kellin's POV

I don't know how to live without the pain. It sounds morbid, but in reality, it's just the honest truth.

The thing is, I'm numb. Not entirely, but an in between. I'm always rocking back and forth between being numb to barely alive.

The truth is that my razor blade is my only friend. Whenever everything gets to be too much, I simply swipe it across my wrist and for a second I am in total and complete bliss.

The cold metal slides easily across my pale skin. Red beads of blood follow. It's so easy.

Yet nothing is okay.

The razor slices my skin open and all I feel is relief. I take a deep breath and swallow hard. I let the sensations bury me. I'm an addict. I'm addicted to the pain, I'm addicted to feeling alive.

I'm sitting on the edge of a cliff, my feet dangling off the end. I remember when I was little I used to be so frightened of heights but now they don't seem so threatening at all. If anything, they're peaceful, welcoming.

I know why I'm here, and there's no use in denying it. 

All I can think about is the fact that I can't wait to fall hundreds of feet down into the blue green water below me.

I can't wait until my body hits the surface of the water. Perhaps I'll hit my head on a rock on the way down and die instantly. After all, I've never wanted to drown.

But that doesn't matter now. Nothing truly matters in this world. We think it does. We think so many things matter, but outside of our little personal bubbles, no one else really cares. These things don't matter to anyone else but ourselves.

All that matters now is that in a matter of minutes I'll be gone. And even that doesn't truly matter.

God, I can't wait to die.

I can't wait to leave the pain.

I can't wait to leave...Vic. He is my pain, and he is the reason- not the only reason- that I'm here on this cliff.

He doesn't love me, and I'm a fool for ever thinking there was a possibility that he could or would.

We're just friends, good old best friends since middle school.

And now it's time. Time to end it all.

It's peaceful here. I like the quiet. It's just me and the sound of the water splashing against the side of the cliff. 

The rumbling of the great waves crashing into one another, it somehow calms me. It makes me feel like I'm not about to fall to my death.

The wind picks up, blowing my hair in my face. What was once a light drizzle, is now a downpour of heavy rain. 

Suddenly it begins to feel like one of those horribly cliche romance movies. But the difference is that no one will come and save me from myself. I am unsalvageable.

My wet hair clings to my face, and the blood on my wrist is quickly washed away by the downfall of the rain.

It's time now. No more holding off, no more excuses. It's now or never. And I don't have time for the latter. The sun will start to rise in under an hour.

I stand up, let the razor fall from my clammy hand. It rolls down the cliff, stops at the edge, then falls. The drop is so far down I can't hear the splash as it reaches the bottom.

I take a few steps towards the edge.

My stomach is filled with butterflies. I won't deny that I'm nervous, but there's also a hint of excitement in there, anticipation.

I take another three steps. Two more steps and I'll be done.

One....

I pause. I ask myself if I truly want to do this. 

 

My mind screams yes.

 

Two.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Every 3-4 days I'll update is what I said  
> 9 days later and I'm finally updating.  
> I have no excuse, except I value sleep.   
> Luckily for everyone reading this, I worked my ass off today and wrote four chapters. Now I'm drained af.  
> So far I've written eight chapters and I'm working on nine. I'm estimating this will have about 11 chapters, we'll see.  
> Hope you enjoy   
> Peace cx

I'm falling, or I'm about to. 

My fingers grasp at the edge of the cliff, the only thing keeping me up and alive.

It's muddy and slippery and my fingers begin to slide off.

I can feel myself about to fall and I've never been so terrified in my not so long life.

I'm ready to let go. I don't want to die but I do.

I'm peaceful. I'm so fucking ready but I'm terrified to let go.

My head is a whirlwind of emotions and I don't know what to do. 

My head is screaming do it, get it over with and you'll be happier. 

Then there's my heart, yelling don't do it, you have so much to live for, think of Vic.

And I do think of Vic. I think of his gorgeous caramel eyes and his smile.

I think of how he'll react and I know he'll be okay.

"I love you, Vic." I murmur, closing my eyes.

Then I let go.

~  
I let go, but I don't fall.

A hand grasps my own and I feel myself getting pulled up onto the cliff.

I try to resist, but the other person's grip is too strong

I sit there with my eyes closed, on the cliff, wishing I was dead. 

I don't realize it, but I'm crying. It's not the soft kind either. I bury my face in my hands and weep.

Salty tears flow down my face and a sob escapes my throat.

I open my eyes and look up at the person who 'saved' me.

If I wasn't in such a state, I'd say he's beautiful, because he is.

He has shoulder length brown-black hair, and hazel eyes. He wears skinny jeans and a sweater, but the sleeves are rolled up to reveal many tattoos, including the words Drop Dead on his knuckles.

"You're lucky I just happened to be walking by at the right moment." He says, studying my face.

"H-ha." My voice cracks embarrassingly. "You shouldn't have done that."

"What? Save you?"

"I didn't want to be saved!" I yell over the sound of the rain.

"Suicide attempt? I assumed so." He says, like it's not a big deal.

He says it so nonchalantly, like it's as casual and normal as breathing. Most people would be panicked, maybe even screaming at me for being stupid. 

I wonder if he's insane, or if he just has a lot of experience in pulling people up from cliffs when they're trying to kill themselves.

"Yeah, it was a suicide attempt. One that I would have went through with if it wasn't for you." I say bitterly.

He sits down beside me, not even seeming to care that his jeans will now be covered in clumped mud and wet grass.

The rain has stopped almost completely now, nothing but a dribble.

"You should thank me, not complain." 

I glare at him. "Thank you? For what? I was trying to fucking die, not get saved by some strange guy."

"You don't want to die." He tells me, sounding confident.

"Who are you to tell me what I do and do not want? Who the hell do you think you are?" I ask, feeling anger rise up in me.

He smirks, "The guy who just saved your life. The name's Oliver, but you can call me your Hero."

God, the nerve of this guy.

"Cocky much?"

Oliver smiles. "Not cocky, charming."

I fight back the urge to smile, and get serious once again.

  "Why'd you do it? Why'd you 'save' me? Why couldn't you mind your own business?"

He shrugs. "I'm nosy. And besides, I always help people in need."

"But I didn't 'need' your help." I insist.

"Oh, but you did. I don't think you want to die. You're sad, yeah? And you're not happy for whatever reason and you want an escape. So you turn to the razor blade, or perhaps there's something else, but judging by those cuts on your wrists I'm assuming it's the blade. So the blade, it gives you this temporary relief, gives you an escape. But even that's not enough after a while and you decide you want to die. But you don't really want to die. You just want to somehow get rid of this pain and since death is what you think is the easiest way to rid yourself of it, you try to kill yourself. I don't think you want to die, do you, Kellin?"

I try not to stare at him in shock, but fail and do so anyway.

"How do you know all that?" I ask him.

"I used to be like you." He quirks an eyebrow. "I thought death was my only option, so I took drugs to escape my internal pain. But there's no way to escape your own mind, and when it all got to be too much I attempted to kill myself by drowning in the bathtub. Obviously, I didn't succeed, because at the last moment, when my head was underwater, and I was gasping for breath but only inhaling water, I realized I didn't want to die. I just wanted to stop the pain."

"And how did you stop it?" I ask.

"I got help, went on antidepressants. They help, you know? I didn't think they would, but I was proven wrong."

"You think I'm the same as you were?" I question. "How do you know that you're not wrong? Maybe I actually do want to die. Maybe I'm not trying to escape any form of pain. Maybe I'm just tired of living."

Oliver pauses, then speaks again. "How long have you been this way? How long have you wanted to die?"

"Why are you asking that?"

"Just answer me." He says.

"A few years." I respond. "Two or three. It could be more."

"Okay, and have you ever tried to kill yourself before?"

"No. This was my first attempt."

"Why?" He asks. "Why didn't you ever try beforehand?"

"I don't know." I admit.

"Exactly. You say you've wanted to die for several years now, yet you've never actually attempted to commit suicide until tonight. If you really wanted to die, you would have gotten it over and done with years ago. But I don't think you want to die, Kellin. You need to learn how to want to live again."

"I don't know how to be happy. I can't remember what it feels like, so how can I want to live?" 

"Find your happiness. Find someone, or something that makes you happy. Something that makes you want to live again. But don't ever live for someone else, only live for yourself."

I think of Vic. He makes me so incredibly happy, but he's also the source of most of my pain.

I'm supposed to live for myself, but the only reason I've gotten this far is because I was holding on for Vic. I was living for him.

Oliver says I shouldn't live for anyone but myself. But what if I can't see a reason I should live?

I ask that. "What if I can't live for myself? What if I find no reason to?"

"You can always live for yourself. You just have to choose whether or not you're going to see the good in yourself. I know a reason why you should live, even if you don't."

"What's that reason?" I ask skeptically.

"You should live because you're you, and you're important.  There are over seven billion people in this world, and the brutal truth is that your death wouldn't have that big of an impact on this world. Hardly anyone would care, but the reason you should keep living is for or because of the people who would care. Seven billion people wouldn't give a shit, but the people who love you would have their hearts broken. Think of it like that, Kellin."

"You have a way of thinking." I tell him.

"Just a way?" He asks. "Not good or bad?"

"I don't know. I'm not sure whether it's good or bad yet, but I do know it makes me think."

"You're bleeding. You cut, hmm?" Oliver notes, taking my hand in his and turning it over to study my wrist.

"You already know I do." I say, squirming uncomfortably.

"Yeah, this is pretty bad, though obviously not fatal. I'm sure you've done worse before."

"Probably, yeah." I agree.

"Want me to bandage it?" He asks.

"With what?" I ask, giving him a look that clearly says 'are you an idiot'.

Oliver reaches into the pocket of his jacket, and pulls out a few Band-Aids.

"Why do you carry Band-Aids around in your pocket?"

He shrugs. "Why not? They come in handy, especially right now." 

I watch as he peels open one of the Band-Aids which I can see clearly now is a Dora The Explorer themed one.

I try not to laugh, but fail. "Dora? Really? I wouldn't imagine you as the kind of guy to carry Dora The Explorer Band-Aids around in his pocket."

He pauses, looking up at me, "They were on sale, so shush, and I hope you like surprises because you're gonna love the next one."

He positions it over one of the worst cuts on my wrist and gently presses it down. I hiss in pain.

"Sorry," he says.

"It's okay. Do you really think these will help? Are these even big enough?"

He glares at me, though it's not serious. "Do you have to question every little thing?"

"Yes," I respond, narrowing my eyes at him.

"Hmm, why's that?" 

I lift a shoulder in a halfhearted shrug, "Trust issues, maybe."

"Ah, well, this obviously won't cover ALL the cuts, because you sure as hell have a lot of them, but it will keep most of them from making a bloody mess or getting infected until you have the chance to properly change them."

I nod. "Alright, I'll do it when I get home.  But for now, what's the next one?"

Oliver grins, holding it up in his fingers. "Bob the Builder."

"You know I could do this on my own, right?" 

"Nah," Oliver says. "I like taking care of you."

It's such an odd thing to say, but it makes my stomach feel fluttery nonetheless.

After a Bob The Builder Band-Aid, two Veggie Tales ones, and a My Little Pony one, he finally finishes.

We're silent for a while and then a realization dawns on me.

"How do you know my name?" I ask. "I never told you my name."

Oliver laughs. "You don't know who I am?"

"Should I?" I ask. Not in a mean, or rude way, but in genuine curiosity.

"Considering the fact that we've been going to school together since the seventh grade, and we have multiple classes together, yes, yes you should know who I am."

"Oh..." I start awkwardly. "I'm sorry, I really don't remember you."

Oliver smiles. "It's okay, trust me. I have a habit of blending in, or, making myself invisible to others when needed."

"Are you sure you're not a ghost, because your face doesn't ring a bell." I say, only half joking.

"You never know." He jokes.

I give him an unimpressed look and he grins.

He reaches his hand out, and I look at him in confusion.

His palm settles on my cheek, and his thumb softly strokes the skin.

The gesture is oddly affectionate, and loving for someone who is a complete stranger, and I have the faintest urge to lean into his touch. His hand is warm against my cold skin.

My eyes connect with his, and I open my mouth to speak, but stop. This moment feels unreal, like something I shouldn't break, shouldn't interfere with.

Oliver removes his hand from my face, and I hold myself back from chasing after his touch, the feel of his soft fingers on my cheek.

I pretend the reason I want the warmth he provides is because I'm freezing.

"See, I'm not a ghost." He says.

My face must express how lost I am, because he clarifies his words, "If I can touch you, then I'm not a ghost."

I let out a breathy laugh as his words register themselves in my mind.

That moment...it felt so intense, but now it's gone.

"Maybe I'm the ghost." I say, trying to sound mysterious.

A half smile appears on his lips. "That'd be ironic."

"Why's that?"

"Because if you were a ghost, you'd have no reason to jump off this cliff. You'd already be dead."


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't really know how many chapters this thing will have but I'm gonna say maybe fifteen, or a little less.

Oliver and I sit in silence for a while longer. Our feet dangle off the edge, but I no longer have the urge to jump, or let myself fall.

It's still there, of course, that little part of my brain whispering 'do it, do it, jump, end it all'. 

But for the moment, it's mostly dulled down. I push it away each time the thought enters my mind.

The waves crash into each other below and the sound is calming, soothing like a lullaby. I love the sound of the ocean at night, when it's so quiet you can hear every swish of each and every wave.

It's chilly out, but for some reason I'm not cold like I was before.

I don't really feel anything, in fact, I'm sort of numb. But this time it isn't in a bad way, or at least I don't think it is.

The warmth of Oliver's side pressed against mine is enough to keep my entire body from being cold.

I feel myself about to fall asleep a few times.

My eyes start to slip closed, but I'm startled back into consciousness by the snapping of a twig. Probably a small rodent scurrying through the grass around us.

I'm awake for a few minutes, staring out at the beautiful view in front of me.

Then I start to doze off again, my eyes drooping shut. I barely notice it, but my head falls down to rest on Oliver's broad shoulders.

He doesn't ask me to move or push me away, which is what I'm expecting. No, instead he just lets me lie there with my head on his shoulder.

"Sleepy?" He asks, and I can hear the amusement in his voice.

"Mhm." I murmur.

Apparently trying to commit suicide and getting 'saved' by a hot guy is a very draining activity. I'll be sure to remember that for future reference.

"You should go home." Oliver tells me.

A part of me wonders if that's his way of hinting that he wants me to leave, or if he's just being nice.

If it's the first, well, I'm too tired to care.

"Noooo." I whine somewhat childishly.

"Aren't you cold, Kells?" He asks.

"No, I don't want to go home. It's cold there, and you're warm." I say, my words slurred and thick with sleep.

"I'll walk you home." Oliver offers.

Having a feeling he's not going to give up, I nod my head in agreement. "Okay."

My house is only a few blocks away, but Oliver walks me there.

My feet drag on the concrete, and I can't wait to get home to my comfy bed.

Finally, after what seems like forever, we get there.

I stop at the door. 

"I have to sneak in through the window." I tell him. "I was supposed to be in bed hours ago."

"Ooooh, badass." Oliver says sarcastically, but his smile lets me know he's playing around.

"Shush, Oliver." His name feels weird on my tongue, familiar somehow, though I'm sure this is the first time I've said it.

"I'm innocent," I continue. "Unless you plan on corrupting me."

I don't intend for it, but my words come out sounding oddly sexual and flirtatious.

Luckily it's cold enough out here that you can't tell the difference between red cheeks and a blush.

Oliver's eyebrows shoot up at my words and he smirks somewhat deviously. "Oh, I do, and I will."

His words make me feel dizzy, but I'm not sure if that's a good or a bad thing.

I look at him, at his dark, warm eyes, and his cocky posture, and his hands tucked into the pockets of his ripped black skinny jeans.

I feel something when I look at him, and I'm not sure what it is.

Hope, maybe.

"I'll see you-" I break off, not knowing how to continue. 

What do I say? Someday? Never?

"Later." I finish, deciding that's the best word choice to go with.

"Tomorrow." He says, and for some reason it feels like a promise. "I'll see you tomorrow, Kells."

"Yeah," I agree. "Tomorrow."

I spare one more glance at his retreating figure, before I shove my window open, and sneak my way in.

I can't help but feel like this is the start of something. A friendship.

A friendship I really need.

~  
Monday

I hate school, absolutely despise it, though I'm sure I'm not the only one who feels that way.

I wake up at 8:30, meaning I only got about two hours of sleep, or less.

As I get ready on Monday morning, Oliver is one of the only things occupying my mind.

Part of me, a small part, is glad Oliver happened to be there to prevent me from falling off that cliff.

Then there's the other part, the part that wishes he hadn't arrived in time to 'save' me.

I finish getting dressed in black ripped skinny jeans and a red and black plaid shirt, and plop down on my bed.

I have about fifteen minutes until I have to leave so I get on my phone.

The first thing I notice is that I have a text from Vic.

Vic: Good morning babe, did you sleep well?

The affectionate term babe makes my lips move into a wide grin.

I quickly reply back.

Me: Morning, I slept okay. How about you? Are you coming to school today?

It's such a lie. I barely got an hour of sleep, but of course I won't tell him that, because that would mean I'd have to explain the whole suicide attempt. For now, I'll keep that information to myself, and well...Oliver too.

Vic: It was good. My parents weren't home so Danielle slept over, so... ;) And yeah  
I'll be there.

Ouch. My heart lurches in my chest, and I wince at the ache I feel as I think of Vic and his girlfriend, doing things...

I push my stupid feelings away, and try to seem normal, and happy for him.

Me: Well, I'll bet that was fun :)

Vic: Trust me, it was. We still haven't gone all the way, but that doesn't mean we haven't done other things...

The pain caused by his words makes me wish that I wasn't alive today, that Oliver never saw me on that cliff and tried to save me.

Me: I'm about to leave, I'll see you at school?

Vic: Of course.

I suddenly wish I had someone to talk to. For some reason the first person to pop up in my head is Oliver. I feel like he would understand.

~  
First period is Spanish, which I usually look forward to because I share that class with Vic.

Once I've grabbed all my books out of my locker, I walk down the hallway to where Vic's locker is located.

When his figure comes into view, I'm not the happy person I usually am when I see him every morning.

He's kissing his girlfriend, Danielle, her back to his locker. It's a pretty heated makeout session and I can barely look at them without feeling like I'm about to throw up the sandwich I had for breakfast.

I wait for a while, and finally she pushes him off her, pecking him one last time on the lips before sashaying away.

Once she's out of sight, I approach him.

"Hey." I greet, leaning against the locker beside his.

Vic's eyes light up when he sees me, and he slams his locker shut after grabbing all his books out.

"Kells, hey. You ready for class?"

I nod, and we start off on our walk to class.

~  
Sitting next to Vic is what makes Spanish one of my favorite classes.

The teacher is pretty lenient, too, which means we're basically allowed to do whatever as long as we arrive on time. Mrs. Allan's biggest pet peeve is when students come into class late.

Right now we're working on some worksheet, but we're allowed to talk.

"What did you do yesterday?" Vic asks me.

Hmm, cried all day, then tried to jump off a cliff at five in the morning.

"Not much." I say instead. "So how were things with Danielle?

I don't really want to know, but I'm a sadistic piece of shit, and the words come out of my mouth before I can stop them.

Vic smiles somewhat dreamily, and I faintly think he looks like one of those lovestruck thirteen year old girls on Disney.

"Amazing. I took her out to the movies, and then we went to my house, and well, we did things, which you already know." 

"What kind of things?" I blurt out like a fool.

It hurts to hear, but I have this idea that maybe if I keep reminding myself he's not mine, it'll finally register to my heart.

Vic blushes, "Really?"

"Yeah." I say.

"Well, she gave me h-"

Vic's words are cut off by the sound of the door swinging open and hitting the wall.

I look up, and guess who it is? 

"Twenty minutes late, Oliver, why don't you try to arrive earlier?" Mrs. Allan says sternly.

Oliver looks gorgeous. He's wearing a black t-shirt and dark blue skinny jeans. His hair reaches his shoulders, messily framing his face.

He shrugs. "I don't see the point in arriving on time."

"And why's that?" The teacher asks.

"Because I've got better things to do."

Some of the class ooohs childishly.

I stare at him, unintentionally.

His eyes roam the room, and stop when they land on me.

Our eyes connect, and the corner of his mouth turns up in an amused smile.

"Better things to do? Is passing my class not important to you?" Mrs. Allan asks, interrupting our moment.

Oliver's eyes leave mine to look at the teacher, "Not really. And by better things, I meant I have better things to do than listen to your squeaky voice."

I feel a laugh rising up in my throat, but I hold it in.

Mrs Allan's face starts to turn a freakishly purple color.

"Go sit down behind Kellin." She orders, pointing in my direction.

"With pleasure." He mutters under his breath as he makes his way towards me.

I hear him plop down in the seat behind me, but I don't look back.

The class resumes talking, and after a few minutes of silence, I hear a voice say my name.

"Hey Kells."

I turn around in my seat to look at Oliver and see him leant back in his chair, his feet up on the desk and arms crossed in front of his chest.

"Nice seeing you again." He says with a playful smile.

I feel a grin tug at my lips, and I don't bother to resist it.

"Oliver, we meet again." I say jokingly.

I see Vic give me a confused look out of the corner of my eye but I opt to ignore it for now.

"So did Bob The Builder fix that for you?"

I stare at him in confusion for a moment before I realize he's talking about the bandaids he put on my cuts.

"Oh, yeah." I say, playing along. "He did a good job. I never should have doubted him."

"Oliver!" The teacher calls from her desk. "Leave Kellin alone and let him do his work!"

Oliver rolls his eyes, and directs his attention at me. "I guess we'll talk later?"

"Yeah, okay." I agree and turn around in my seat before the teacher decides to yell at Oliver again.

As soon as I do, Vic's on me like a hawk. "What was that all about?" 

"What do you mean?" I ask, deciding to play dumb.

"Oliver. Since when do you two talk?" Vic asks, suspiciously.

"We don't. I mean, we ran into each other yesterday, and started talking. It's no big deal." I say, feeling oddly defensive.

"How does he know your nickname? Only I call you that." 

I shrug. "Maybe he overheard you calling me that. Why do you care?"

"I don't know." Vic says faintly.

"Are you jealous?" I ask, only a little serious.

"No!" Vic says defensively, voice rising a bit.

When some heads turn to look at us, he lowers his voice to a whisper. "No, I'm not jealous. You're allowed to have other friends."

Something in his voice tells me there's more he wants to say.

This is pretty odd behavior for Vic. I have to keep myself from getting my hopes up. I stop my mind from roaming to thoughts that maybe he is jealous, because he likes me.

"Then what's the problem?" I ask.

"I just don't think you should hang out with someone like him." Vic says simply.

"Someone like him?" I ask, feeling strangely protective of Oliver.

"Yeah, he's not good. He's not someone you want to be hanging out with. He's bad news."

I wonder if he would still think Oliver was a bad person if he knew that Oliver saved my life. I can't voice any of that though.

"Bad news?" I ask. "Says who?"

Vic gives me a look.

"Everyone. It's common knowledge. Why are you being so protective over him?" Vic asks suspiciously.

"I'm not." I say. "I just don't think you should be judging him when you don't even know him."

"And you do? Know him?"

What was once a simple conversation is now starting to seem like an argument.

"No, I never said I did. But you don't either, so can we please stop talking about this?" 

My words succeed in deflecting the oncoming argument I could sense ahead.

"Yeah, for now."


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys!  
> Can I just say Halloween was flipping awesome. I went as Sally from A Nightmare Before Christmas because that movie gives me life. All Tim Burton movies do really.  
> Okay you probably don't care, sooo onto the story. I've been writing this for not even a month, and I never expected it to be as long as it currently is. My original plan was maybe ten or so chapters. Then I pumped it up to about fifteen, or a little less. Well guess what guys, I'm currently writing chapter fifteen and am not even nearly close to the end of this story. I'm going to guess this will be about twenty chapters now, though I could be wrong. I have way too many ideas in my head man.  
> Oh and so the description for this story ie probably going change, be it in no way sums up what this story has turned into. Tbh all my original plans for what direction this story was going in have completely changed. I don't know where this story is going, but I like it.  
> Kay sorry for this long ass author's note now onto the story my lovelies, enjoy!

After first period, school continues on pretty normally.

I share second and fourth period with Vic. He doesn't bring up Oliver again, thankfully.

Oliver is in fourth and fifth period with me.  We don't sit near each other, but our gazes meet a few times throughout the fifty minute class.

Sixth period is lunch.

I hate lunchtime. Sixth period is usually everyone's favorite part of the school day, but not mine.

Unfortunately for me, sixth period consists of sitting at a table with only Vic, and his girlfriend who can't seem to keep their hands to themselves.

Today is not unlike any other.

I get my lunch, which is actually something good today, pizza, and head over to the table where I always sit. It's a table off in the corner.

I'm a loner, I know. Vic isn't though, which is why I wonder why he's friends with me. Sometimes I feel like he only hangs out with me out of obligation.

After a few minutes, Vic walks in with Danielle, his arm wrapped tightly around her waist.

They get their lunch, and come sit down across from me.

"Hey, Kells." Vic greets.

"Kellin." Danielle acknowledges me.

For whatever reason, she seems to not like me, and I can't figure it out.

I eat my pizza while they whisper quietly to each other and giggle.

It's fucking annoying.

Vic didn't used to be like this, really. He used to spend all his time with me. We'd laugh and joke around, and we were the best of friends, honestly. 

He used to be so affectionate, and wasn't afraid to show it. Then what I call the 'incident' happened, and it's like we were never close at all.

I miss him. Even though he was dating Danielle back then, he still made time for me. Now it's like I don't fit in anywhere.

I'm lost in my thoughts for a while, reminiscing of times when Vic and I were attached at the hips.

I'm finally startled out of my thoughts by the feeling of someone next to me.

When I raise my gaze from the floor, I see it's Oliver.

I glance over at Danielle and Vic to see their reactions. Danielle doesn't seem to particularly care, but Vic has an irritated look on his face.

"What are you doing over here?" Vic asks, interrupting Danielle who was in the middle of a rant about some drama that happened with her friends.

Oliver's gaze moves from me to Vic. "Well, you see, I was about to sit here."

"Why?" Vic asks, somewhat sharply.

I want to tell him to mind his own business, that if Oliver is my friend, then so what, but Oliver speaks before I can.

"Because Kellin here is my friend, and last I checked, you don't control who he hangs out with."

Vic doesn't budge. "I know I don't, but I'm allowed to not want him to hang out with people like you."

"People like me?" Oliver  asks, "I'm going to take that as a compliment."

I open my mouth to speak but once again am cut off.

"Well it's not one." Vic says. "I think you should leave Kellin alone."

Oliver looks down at me. "I think we should ask Kellin what he wants.

Both of them stare at me, awaiting my answer, and honestly it's really creepy.

"I- I like Oliver. He's my friend." I finally get out.

Vic gives me a look, like I just betrayed him in the most horrible way.

I want to tell him to stop being such a drama queen, but I don't.

Oliver flops down into the seat next to me. "You know, Vic, for a straight boy you're awful jealous of who your friend Kellin here hangs out with."

Vic gives him the dirtiest glare I've ever seen, and there's practically murder in his eyes. "I'm allowed to be protective of my friend. That doesn't mean I'm gay. And neither is Kellin here, so don't go getting any ideas."

I don't know whether I want to slap Vic in the face, or just walk away. How dare he say that. He doesn't know what I am, so he doesn't have the right to label me as something, label me as straight.

His words make me wonder if that means Oliver is gay. I don't particularly care, I like him no matter what, but his words do make me wonder.

Oliver smirks devilishly. "I can't make any promises."

Vic's face is steadily turning a tomato red color, and I'm glad when Danielle starts to talk to him in a quiet voice, calming him down.

I really don't feel like having my best friend explode on my new friend.

"Your friend doesn't quite like me." Oliver says, voice quiet so no one else can hear.

"I've noticed. He says you're bad news."

Oliver smiles. "What if he's right?"

"Is he?" 

"Well, it depends."

"On what?" I ask.

"On what your definition of bad is."

"Bad isn't you, at least I don't think." I say. "When I think of someone bad, I think of characteristics like cruel, cold hearted, and overall evil. When I think of bad, I don't think of you."

"How can you be so sure? That I'm not bad?"

When he asks that question, it seems to me like he doesn't even know the answer himself.

"I can't." I admit. "But I trust you."

"Why?"

"I don't know. I barely know you, but I feel like I've known you forever. "

"Me too." He admits. "It's weird. I feel, a connection with you, I think."

"Good. I think we've got something here."

"What kind of something?"

Our eyes meet. 

"A good something." I say.

"I hope you know I'm not good."

"Maybe so. But you're not bad either, which means you're somewhere in between. "

We sit in silence for a while, but it's the comfortable kind of silence.

Feeling tired, I rest my head on his shoulder. 

He wraps his arm around my waist. He's so warm.

I haven't even known him for a day, but I feel so comfortable with him.

Vic gives me a look that clearly says 'what the hell are you doing' but I ignore it.

"Tired?" Oliver asks.

"Considering the fact I got barely an hour of sleep, yes, yes I am tired."

"Sleep." Oliver orders. 

"I will, you're comfy."

"Wait Kells."

"Huh?"

"You should come over to my house." Oliver suggests. "Or I can come over to yours. If you want."

"Okay, how about mine?"

"That's fine." He agrees.

"Wait, when?"

"Tomorrow?"

"Sure."

I let my eyes close, and I start to fall asleep. Twenty four hours ago I  never would have thought I'd be falling asleep on a stranger. Twenty four hours ago, I didn't think I'd live to see another day.

~

The short half hour nap I got during lunch was nice, but not enough to make me feel energized for the rest of the day.

Seventh period goes by fast, mostly due to the fact that I sleep through half of it. 

Eighth period goes slug like slow. 

When it's finally over, I let out a sigh of relief, and start my walk home.

Vic always walks home with me, so I wait for him to say goodbye to Danielle, and catch up to me.

We're about to leave the school property when someone calls my name.

I turn around, not surprised to see that it's Oliver.

"Hey," he says as he comes to a stop in front of me.

"Hey." I greet.

"What's your number?"

"My number?"

Oliver nods. "Yeah, I wanna text you."

The thought of being able to text Oliver makes me happy for some reason.

I quickly tell him my number, and he jots it down into his phone.

"I'll see you tomorrow." He says.

"Bye..."

After his retreating figure is out of sight, I turn around and run to catch up to Vic.

"Hey, can I ask you a question?" Vic asks once we've been walking for a while.

"Sure, what is it?"

"Do you like Danielle?"

The question startles me for a moment, and I look at him, dumbfounded.

Why would he ask me that? I wonder if maybe she's been saying bad stuff about me. 

"Yeah, I like her just fine. But why are you asking?"

Vic shrugs. "Well, she's said some stuff about how you're not that friendly towards her."

That bitch!

"What did she say?" I ask sharply.

"Well she said you can be pretty rude to her. Is that true?"

"No!" I deny. "I'm perfectly nice to her. I have nothing against her." Except maybe the fact that she has you and I don't.

"Are you sure you haven't said anything...mean to her?"

"Yes! Yes I'm sure, don't you believe me?" I ask, with a note of desperation.

"I do, it's just...why would she lie?"

Because she hates my guts.

"Why would I?" I counter.

"You wouldn't, I know that, because I know you. Things are just confusing right now, Kellin." Vic says, his face expressing sadness and frustration.

"What's confusing you?" I ask, a little concerned.

"I can't tell you."

"Well why not?"

"It's too personal." Vic tells me.

"I'm worried about you now." I say.

"Don't be. I'm fine, I swear, and I'll tell you what's bothering me eventually. I just can't right now."

I stop walking and put my hand on his arm to stop him too.

"I'm always here for you, you know that right?" I ask, staring into his eyes.

His eyes are so damn beautiful. And for a second, as he looks back at me, I feel like maybe there's more to this situation. More to me and him.

His hand grabs mine and he rubs his thumb over my palm, then his fingers interlace with mine, and he doesn't make any move to pull away.

My breath audibly hitches in my throat out of the shock of his warm hand against mine.

Vic hasn't done something like this in a long time. He used to hug me, and be more affectionate, but he's never done this, held my hand like this. This feels....personal. Different.

I know I shouldn't let something like this affect me in such a way, make my heart flutter. I shouldn't get my hopes up over something simple like this. But I love him. I can't deny that.

"I know you're here for me, and I'll tell you when I'm ready." Vic says.

"As long as you promise." I say with a teasing smile.

"I do. I promise." His voice softens, goes quieter. "You mean so much to me, you know that, right? I'm so lucky to have you."

His hand is still in mine, and I can't describe the way I'm feeling. It's hope, and it's happiness, and it's so much love.

"Trust me, Vic, I'm the lucky one." I say.

He gives me a smile, and there's a hint of sadness there. I want to ask him what's going on, but I don't have the right to pressure him into telling me when he's not ready.

We walk the rest of the way to my house, our hands connected the entire way.

He only lets go when we reach the door of my house, and before he leaves he places a soft kiss on my cheek.

My stomach tied in knots, I watch him walk away, and enter my house feeling content.


	5. Chapter 5

TUESDAY

Tuesdays are better than Mondays and I think mostly everyone can agree with that. After all, it's one day closer to the weekend.

I wake up early on Tuesday morning. It's only 7:00 AM which means I have another hour before my alarm goes off.

I lay there for a while in the darkness of my bedroom, trying to go back to sleep.

The black curtains on my window are drawn, preventing the sunlight from seeping into the room.

After a half hour of tossing and turning, but failing to get comfortable or fall back asleep, I decide I'll just get up.

I get dressed first, a black sweater with skulls on it, and and a pair of grey skinny jeans.

Then I repeat the same cycle of everyday, and lie down on my bed to check my phone.

I've got a few texts from an unknown number but when I read it I know who it is.

The messages are from three hours ago, so around four in the morning meaning I was asleep.

Oliver: Keeeelllllinnnnnn hiii

Oliver: are u trehe?

Oliver: love me

Oliver: :(

I laugh as I read the messages over. I decide to reply.

Me: Hey, you up?

My phone dings with notification of a text in merely seconds.

Oliver: no. I am dead.

Me: texting from heaven?

Oliver: no. hell. wanna join?

Me: if you're there, then yes.

Oliver: <3 otp = u and me

Me: i ship it. 

Oliver: what's our ship name?

Me: Koliver or koli ???? Idk

Oliver: we sound like cauliflower. nobody's gonna ship us.

Me: its okay, they won't be able to resist the sexiness of koli.

Oliver: this conversation got weird. I like it.

Me: sooo those texts last night? 

Oliver: what about them? 

Me: were you drunk?

Oliver: maybe. i was at a party.

Me: why no invite for me?

I don't really like parties. I've been to a few, but they were back when I was a freshman. Oh, and one a few months ago with Vic.

Even though I don't like them, it'd still be nice to get invited every now and then.

My phone dings, drawing my attention back to it.

Oliver: you're too innocent kells.

Me: says who?

Oliver: I do 

Me: i thought you said you were going to corrupt me?

Oliver: i will. but not in that way.

Me: what other way is there? bc that sounds suggestive

Oliver: maybe it is.

I don't reply after that. I'm not mad or upset, but I don't know how to feel about his words.

I mean, I do know how I feel when I read his words. They send a shock of energy through my body, and I feel...excited.

It seems a hell of a lot like Oliver is flirting with me, but I'm not quick to assume things. He could just be being friendly. 

And if he is flirting with me, well I'm not sure if that's a good or a bad thing.

That's my problem. I over think things.

But I'm not going to do that right now. I'm going to go with the flow, and whatever happens happens. No more over thinking.

Me: are you coming to school today?

Oliver: yeah, i probably should. I have to keep you company anyway.

Me: how sweet

Oliver: thank you, i know.

Me: that was sarcasm.

Oliver: ouch.

~

Oliver and I texted until it was time for school.

When I walk into my first period class, Spanish, I notice Oliver is already there.

Huh, I assumed he would be late again.

"You look h- nice today." Vic compliments me as I take a seat beside him.

His eyes scan me up and down in a way that makes it seem a lot like he's checking me out.

I feel my cheeks heat up. "Oh, thanks. You do, too."

You always look good, is what I don't say.

Oliver lets out a snort from behind me.

I turn around in my seat to face him. "What?"

He puts on an innocent facial expression. "Oh, nothing."

I spin back around in my chair just as the teacher enters the room.

~

Spanish is fun.

Well, not really, but considering the fact that halfway through the class Vic and I start to play footsie under table, it's pretty fun.

Our teacher walked out of the class, telling us to be quiet while she went to copy some papers.

Everyone in class is talking. I can't believe she actually expected us to listen.

Vic edges his hand up my side, knowing that's where I'm the most ticklish.

For the past few minutes he's been annoying the hell out of me, but I can't say I don't like it.

"Stop." I whine, though I don't really want him to.

"Never." he says

His fingers tickle me, and I squirm to get away.

All he does is pull me back to him, and begin his assault once again.

I can't help the bursts of laughter that escape my mouth.

I pull myself away again, and don't waste an opportunity to get payback.

I attack his neck, and stomach with my fingers, tickling him.

He laughs, and tries to tug himself out of my grasp, finally succeeding after a few failed attempts.

We're such children, tickling each other to death in the middle of class, but I can't bring myself to care.

It kind of feels like things are going back to normal. How they used to be. It's odd, this sudden change, but I don't mind.

Just then, the teacher comes back into the room. Everyone goes silent, acting invested in their work, and the teacher doesn't suspect a thing.

For the rest of class, Vic sleeps on me. His head rests on my shoulder, and it sounds creepy but I can't help but to admire him up close.

When the bell finally rings, I gently shake him awake.

He blurrily opens his eyes, and grabs his things when he realizes that class is over.

He looks sleepy enough to fall over which makes me think either he was at the same party Oliver was, or he stayed up late studying for the test we have today.

"I've got to go, Kells, I'll see you in a few." 

"Where are you going?" I ask, confused. We usually walk to second period together.

"I've gotta go walk Danielle to class." He mumbles.

"Oh...okay."

He leaves, but I'm left standing there, feeling hurt.

I probably shouldn't feel so hurt over him not walking with me to our next class, but so much has changed already since he started dating Danielle and sometimes it feels like one day he'll abandon me completely.

"Hey," Oliver says, drawing my attention to him.

"Hey." I say back.

I feel bad for not talking to him throughout the entire class, but Vic was being so lovey dovey and when Vic showers me in love and affection, I can't focus on anything else.

"I'll walk with you, if you want." Oliver offers as we exit the classroom.

"Why? Your next class is like on the other side of the building, right?" I ask as I head in the direction of my next class.

He follows me. "You seemed disappointed when Vic left you."

"I wasn't."

"Don't lie."

"Fine," I admit. "I was, but only because he barely hangs out with me anymore. It's always Danielle this, Danielle that."

Oliver looks at me. "Trust me, you don't have to worry."

"What do you mean?" I ask in confusion.

"Vic's so hung up on you, it's not even funny." Oliver says, seeming slightly bitter. For what, I don't know.

I stop in my tracks, and stare at him in shock. "What'd you say?"

Oliver laughs. "You know what I said."

"But it can't be true. He's got Dani." 

"That doesn't mean anything."

"Yes it does!" I say. "They've been together for close to two years. Vic loves her."

"I think you're pretty oblivious, Kells. He's in love with you. I can tell by his eyes, you know? There's this look, an intense look in someone's eyes when they're in love, and it's there. He has it."

"If he's in love with me like you say, why hasn't he told me?"

Oliver shrugs casually. "Why haven't you?"

My eyes widen. "What?"

"It's obvious how you feel about him. But don't worry, he doesn't know."

I sigh. "I don't want to talk about this."

"Okay, then we don't have to."

We walk in silence for a while, and I'm lost in my thoughts.

Could Oliver be right? For practically all my life I've wished that I would be granted a miracle, and Vic would love me back.

But now that my wish might be coming true, I don't know how I feel about it.

Oliver says he sees something in Vic's eyes. The part of me that is hopeful and naive, my heart, wants to believe that. But the other part, that knows things aren't always as they seem and life will disappoint you, my head, is doubting it all. Refusing to believe it.

"I can't come to your house today." Oliver speaks up, drawing me out of my thoughts.

"What? Why?" I ask, disappointed.

I don't know Oliver very well, but I have an amazing connection with him. He makes me happy, really happy, and I like to spend time with him.

"Grounded." He says.

"Why are you grounded?"

"Because I came home wasted at five in the morning."

"I guess we'll just have to reschedule." I say.

Oliver seems off today. He's not joking around as much, or being his usually cocky self. I can't tell if something's wrong, or if he's just tired and hungover.

"Okay." He says as we stop at the door to my second period class.

"I'll see ya later." He tells me, giving me a quick hug that startles me.

I watch him walk away, wondering if he's okay. He was being normal this morning...but now he seems upset.


	6. Chapter 6

SATURDAY, ONE WEEK LATER

Weekends are my life, and I spend them being lazy. I hate weekdays, because, well, school.

My usual routine on a Saturday is:

Netflix 

Sleep

Eat

Listen to music

That's pretty much the entire list, but now I have something new to add to it.

Texting Oliver.

Our conversations are weird as hell sometimes, but they also let me learn a lot about him.

It's four pm, but I'm still in bed and I decide to text Oliver.

Just as I'm about to type a message to him, my phone dings alerting me that I have a text from guess who; Oliver.

Oliver: hey 

Me: hi 

Oliver: what's up

Me: ...my dick

Oliver: pics?

Me: k

I snap a picture of my middle finger and press send.

Oliver: no

Me: what?

Oliver: your dick has a fingernail

Me: isn't it hot?

Oliver: no its ugly. its too small too.

Me: at least it's better than yours.

Oliver: wanna bet

Me: duh yes i do

The next message I get is a picture and I open it, expecting to see something funny like a cucumber, or a banana.

But nope.

It's a dick. Staring right back at me with all its angry purple veins.

I gasp and nearly drop my phone. It's not like I've never seen a dick before, but this is certainly unexpected.

Me: ....oliver....

I get no response.

Me: oliver...pls

Me: pls tell me that wasn't ur dick

Oliver: ;)

Me: no!

Me: oh no u didn't!

Me: you lil hoe!!! My virgin eyes!!!

Me: die!!!

Oliver: that wasn't my dick.

Me: oh thank god

Oliver: don't act like you didn't love it.

Me: its ugly. Like you 

Oliver: 3 my heart

Me: I'll kiss it better 

Oliver: my heart?

Me: no your dick duh

Oliver: I'm ready c:

Me: perv

Oliver: you offered.

Me: i take it back.

Oliver: too late

Me: no

Oliver: yes

Me: no

Oliver: yes

Me: bye Felicia 

Oliver: ...... :(

Me: :)

Me: wait.....if that wasn't your dick....then who's was it???? :o

Oliver: ;)

~

SUNDAY

I wake up Sunday feeling like shit.

It's been a week since my suicide attempt and I thought I might be getting better.

Sure I'd get a little sad every now and then, but it was practically gone. I thought I'd been somehow cured.

Now it's all back.

I'm not sure why. My mind is an asshole, and just when I was convinced I was getting better, my mind said 'nope you're not done suffering.'

It was like I was on a high. I was high on living, on feeling alive again for the first time in almost six years. But then like all highs, I crashed.

It was silly of me to think it would ever leave in the first place. I'm convinced things like these, depression, are permanent. Just like scars.

Me: oli, you there?

Oddly enough, as soon as the thoughts come flowing back, the only person I want to talk to, need to talk to, is Oliver. 

Oliver: im here what's up babe 

Me: its all back. my depression, the sadness, the suicidal thoughts i dont know what to do you're the only one who understands 

It's true. He's the only person who understands everything I have and currently am going through. If I tried to talk to anyone else about this, they'd tell me I need to get help. Maybe they'd be right, I do need help, but sometimes it's nice to have someone be there, and understand what it's like instead of making you feel like you're crazy, like there's something horribly wrong with you.

It's not like I can tell my mother or Vic either. They can not know. Ever.

Oliver: have you done anything? hurt yourself?

Me: no, but I want to so badly. Shit, can I call you?

I need to hear his voice. Oliver has an effect on me, a good one. He talks me down from the edge, makes everything seem more important, like my life.

I hope he says yes.

Oliver: go ahead.

I breathe a sigh of relief and quickly press the call button and hold it up to my ear.

It only rings once before he picks up.

"Oli," I breathe.

"I'm here love." He says, his voice soft and soothing.

He's so sweet.

"I want to hurt myself so damn bad. I'm practically itching for it. I thought all this shit was gone, but I woke up today and it's all crashing down on me. I feel like I'm suffocating and the urge to grab my blade and hurt myself is getting worse. I feel like it'd be so easy to just...end it. Distract me. Please." I rant.

"It's okay, I promise Kells. You don't need that blade, okay? You are perfect, listen to me. You're an amazing person, and suicide isn't the option. You can't leave me. I need you, okay? Lots of people need you, more than you think, more than you'll ever know. "

I listen to his voice, whispering calming words in my ear, and I start to calm down.

The pain is still there, the self hating thoughts won't leave, won't disappear. But when Oliver is here with me, even though it's not physically, I feel like just for a moment, I can breathe.

"I hate being this way." I whimper.

I wish I could get better. I wish he could save me. I wish he could take it all away.

Oliver must be able to read my mind. "I know, I know you do. I wish I could make it all stop for you."

"You're here. That's enough."

And it's true. With him here, I feel like there's a reason to stay alive. He is my anchor.

~

two weeks later

"Do you believe in love at first sight?" Oliver asks as we lay in his backyard and stare at the stars.

We've been friends for over a month now. We spend more time together with each and everyday.

He's become such a close friend, a confidant, in such a short amount of time.

"Sometimes." I say. "I think everybody has a soul mate, someone perfect for them. We don't always end up with our soul mates, but I think that's what love at first sight is. Falling in love with someone because they were literally made for you."

Oliver and I have a lot of deep talks. I like that about him. He's open, and he's curious. He's not afraid to talk about whatever. He voices his opinion. 

We talk about random things for hours at a time, and it never once gets boring.

Oliver glances over at me. "I guess you have a deep way of thinking, too,"

"And you? What's your opinion on love at first sight?" I ask.

Oliver closes his eyes. "I'm not sure. I think it's possible to fall in love with someone without even knowing them. I agree with you, really. Some things, some people, are just destined to be together."

"I wonder who my soul mate is." I say.

It could be Vic, but....even I didn't love him at first sight. But I think I was too young to fall in love with Vic when I met him.

Falling in love with Vic was...slow, but sudden. 

Vic and I have been best friends since we were seven years old. I adored him, even back then.

It wasn't until right before my thirteenth birthday that I started to see Vic in a different light. What I felt for him was something that had always been missing when it came to girls.

At first it was a crush, but I think that's how it always starts out. I was in denial about it for awhile, but I eventually came to accept it. It was a part of me. It wasn't something I could help, or stop.

By my fourteenth birthday, I was in love with Vic.

Fours years later, here I am at the age of eighteen, still in love with him.

Love with Vic wasn't at first sight. It had to build up, and when I finally realized and accepted it, my love for him only grew and grew with each passing day.

Oliver's voice snaps me out of my thoughts.

"I don't know who our soulmates are. We could have passed by them in the streets and not even realized it." Oliver says.

"I like the idea of having a soul mate. It's nice to think that maybe there's someone out there who will complete me, be my other half, who I will love unconditionally. But at the same time, I don't think I want a soulmate."

Unless that soul mate is Oliver, my mind supplies, and I pause, wondering if I really just thought that.

What the hell?

"Why not?" Oliver asks.

"Well, what if I fall in love with someone who isn't my soul mate? It'd be a sort of forbidden love thing, you know?"

Strangely enough, I find myself thinking about Oliver being my forbidden love.

"I think you should stay with who makes you happy, even if that person isn't your soul mate." Oliver says.

"I couldn't not be with my soul mate. That'd be so selfish."

For some reason, I imagine Vic as my soulmate, and Oliver as the boy I fall in love with but don't stay with out of obligation to my soulmate, Vic.

What is going on with my mind?

Grrr.

"How is that selfish?"

I sigh. "What if my soul mate fell in love with me? What if they waited their entire life to meet the person who would make them whole, just to find that their soul mate doesn't want them. I don't want to hurt someone like that."

"You really think about this stuff," Oliver remarks.

"Yeah, I guess I do."

"I believe in soulmates, but I don't think you have an assigned soulmate, a person strictly made for you, who you're supposed to connect and fit with in every way." Oliver tells me.

"Well then what do you think?" I ask.

"I think if soulmates exist, we get to choose them. I don't think there could be something so unfair as saying that you have to be with this specific person. I think we fall in love. There are millions of people who can be our soulmates, but in the end it always comes down to who we choose. Who we want to spend the rest of our lives with. There's that one person, who we will always choose."

I look at him, and there's something deep and personal about the look we share, our eyes connected.

It's too intense, and I break it.

"And I'm the one who really thinks about this stuff." I tease.

He smiles.

We go silent for a while, just looking up at the stars.

Crickets chirp in the grass around us, and my eyes begin to slip shut.

Just before I fall asleep, I'm almost certain I hear Oliver say, "Soul mates. If there are such a thing, then I wish you were mine. I'd choose you."

That thought isn't half bad.

~

When I wake up, the birds are chirping loudly, and the sun is starting to rise above the trees.

I go to move and realize I'm laying on my side, and someone is holding me.

Oliver.

His arms are wrapped around my waist, and my back is to his chest.

We're spooning.

I turn around, so that I'm facing him.

I run my finger across his bottom lip and the thought of what it would be like to kiss him pops into my mind.

I push that thought away.

He doesn't stir, and I snuggle into his tshirt covered chest, feeling content.

I fall back to sleep with a smile on my face.


	7. Chapter 7

THREE WEEKS LATER

Three weeks pass by in a flash.

Not much has changed. 

Vic is still with Danielle, and I'm still in love with him.

One thing has changed.

No, wait, two.

Number one is that I've gotten a lot closer to Oliver. We've hung out outside of school, and I've finally been to his house and met his parents and his brother.

We text a lot, and it seems his texts only keep getting more and more flirty. Though I don't mind.

I don't think Oliver is even interested in guys. He's probably just one of those people who can't help but flirt with everyone and everything.

Oliver has off days though, at least a few a week where he gets all quiet and closed off. I've asked him about it, but he always says he's fine, that nothing is wrong. I know he's lying, but I don't push him.

Honestly, it's usually when I talk about Vic that he gets all weird. I guess Oliver really doesn't like him.

I was in denial about it before, but I know now that I have feelings for Oliver. I don't know how or when it happened but it did.

It's pretty obvious by now that I have a crush on him. It's probably because I spend so much time with him nowadays.

The feelings I have for him are...intense. I know it's not love yet, how could it be when I've only known him for a few months?

It's not love, but it's strong. I have never believed people who fall in love quickly are actually in love.

It takes time to get to know a person and come to love all the things you've learned about them. At least that's how it was with Vic.

But I can feel it, and I know I am heading down the road of falling in love with him. It scares me how quickly I'm falling for him.

He's sweet, and he's kind. But he's also funny, and sarcastic, and cocky, and arrogant, and stubborn. I can't help but adore him.

What I feel for Oliver is different than what I feel for Vic.

The second thing that has changed is that Vic is ignoring me even more.

He hangs out with Danielle all the time.

For a while he was being more affectionate with me, like he used to be before the 'incident'.

But now it's like I hardly exist.

So I spend most of my time with Oliver. It's weird with him, I never have to be doing anything. I'm content just to sit in silence so long as I'm in his presence.

I've thought a lot about what Oliver said weeks ago. That he thinks Vic is in love with me.

I'm starting to believe it, but at the same time I don't.

Whenever Oliver is around, Vic gets very cold, and almost jealous like. I can't tell if it's jealousy or if he's trying to be a good, protective friend.

Some things never change.

Like myself, and my self hatred. It's not as bad as it was the night I tried to kill myself, but it's not gone.

I don't think it ever will be.

For a few days after my suicide attempt, I felt okay. I felt better, and I thought maybe I could finally live a normal life.

But then the depression, the emptiness, came back, crashing down on me full force.

There's no escape.

~

Thursday is my favorite day of the week. The weekend is so near, and I love it.

Oliver, Vic, and Danielle are probably already in the lunch room, but I race to the bathroom.

My razor is clutched tightly in my hand.

I go into a stall, and close it behind me.

Oliver doesn't know. He thinks I stopped.

I pull up the sleeve of my sweater, and drag the metal against soft, scarred skin.

It hurts. There is no way to describe cutting, at least, no exact way. I'm sure it's different for everyone.

But for me, it burns and it aches and it hurts. It hurts in a good way. When the blade slices my skin open, I can finally feel something.

The numbness is back, and I can't get rid of it.

The only emotions I feel are negative ones. Hate, hurt, anger, sadness...

The door to the boys' bathroom opens, and I stop all movement.

"Kellin?" A voice asks, and I know instantly that it's Oliver.

He walks until he's standing in front of my stall, the only one closed.

I didn't lock it, stupid me, I only closed it over.

Oliver pushes the door to the stall open and I don't have time to hide the razor, to pull my sleeves down.

I drop the razor in a panic and it clatters to the ground.

Oliver stands there and his eyes trail from my face to my arm to the razor lying on the floor coated in my blood.

I feel tears well up in my eyes and I try to prevent them from spilling over, but it's no use.

I break down. Sobs escape my lips, and tears cascade down my face. 

Oliver takes one look at me, and grabs me, pulling me close. 

His arms go to my waist as he hugs me, and I wrap my arms around his neck, tucking my head into his shoulder.

"I thought you weren't doing this anymore." he whispers.

"I'm sorry." I whimper.

I don't know what I'm sorry for. For not telling him? For keeping it a secret? Or for being so fucked up?

"For what?" He asks.

"For doing this. For being such a burden, a disappointment."

Oliver pulls away and grips my chin with his fingers. He forces me to look at him.

"Don't you ever, ever say that. You are not a burden. You are an amazing, wonderful, person, and you are anything but a disappointment." He says, looking deep into my eyes.

I have the strangest urge to kiss him. My eyes flicker down to his lips, and he seems to notice.

I lean in a little bit, but right at the last moment I chicken out and instead rest my head against his shoulder.

I can't let my feelings ruin everything.

"I can't stop. I never stopped." I admit.

"I have an idea." Oliver says.

"What is it?"

"How about...I give you some of my pills? My antidepressants?"

"No!" I deny immediately. "I can't take those. You need them."

"I have an extra bottle. And if I run out, I'll just go to the doctor and get more."

I give him a hesitant look. "I guess...but only if you're positive it's okay."

"It is." He assures me, and his hand rubs my back.

"What if they don't work?" I ask.

"Then we'll do anything until we find some that do."

"I don't know what to do with myself. I feel so empty." I confess.

"I can't promise you that it'll be okay. But I'll be here for you every step of the way."

"I'm only going to take them for a week or so." I say. "Until I can get a doctor's appointment and get my own."

"Okay." He agrees

I clutch onto him harder, wishing I could cling to him forever.

In his arms I feel one thing, and everything else disappears, goes away. 

I feel safe.

He holds me in his arms, and I feel like it's where I belong.

Oliver pulls something out of his pocket, and when he rips it open I realize it's a bandaid.

I can't help the laugh that escapes my lips.

"Spongebob?" I ask.

Oliver nods, and grins. "Yup, Spongebob is a sponge, and he's going to suck up all the blood."

I make a face. "Was that you trying to be cute? Because to me it sounds like Spongebob is either a vampire or a cannibal."

"Oh, shush." Oliver says, and puts the second Spongebob bandaid on.

Three bandaids later, he finally finishes.

I grab his hand, and hold it tight. 

He looks at me, maybe a little confused, but there's something in his eyes that I can't pinpoint.

"Thank you." I whisper.

He smiles. "Your welcome."

~

Oliver and I hangout after school. We go to the park, and sit underneath a tree where there's shade.

I lay down on my back, and see Oliver do the same out of the corner of my eye.

This park is peaceful. There's no one here but us, and I can hear the birds chirping in the trees above.

Oliver breaks the silence.

"When you cut today, was it for a reason? Were you mad or upset?" He asks.

"I don't always have to be upset to cut. Sometimes I do it so I can remember what it's like to feel." I say, purposely avoiding his question.

"I know that, but was there a reason this time?"

I let out a sigh. I have to tell him, otherwise he'll just continue to persist.

"Yes. It was because of Vic."

"What about him?"

"Wait." I say, and scoot over more so that I'm laying beside him. I rest my head on his chest.

"Is this okay?" I ask, feeling hesitant, and somewhat fearful of rejection.

"Of course." He says.

"A few months ago, I went to this party with Vic. I'm not real big on parties, or getting drunk, not that I'd know considering I've never been drunk before. But anyway, Vic got absolutely wasted, and when we got back to my house....he tried to kiss me."

I feel Oliver stiffen up a bit at my words, but I continue.

"He was drunk, and he tried to kiss me but I pushed him away. I don't know....why he did that. But after that night, things have never been the same between us."

Oliver's cards his fingers through my hair. "He's in love with you, Kells."

"I'm starting to wonder." I admit.

For some reason, that realization doesn't make me as happy as I thought it would.

I still get butterflies, but it's not the same. Something's off.

"I love him, too. I'm in love with him." I say, but it feels strangely enough like I'm trying to convince myself that, instead of saying it because I mean it.

"Yeah...I know," Oliver says, sounding pained.

"It's more than that." I continue. "He's my best friend, and I miss him. I miss my best friend."

"Then I think you should confront him."

"Yeah." I agree. "Maybe I will."

~

FRIDAY

Oliver and I sit on the cliff where we met months ago.

It's not dark out this time. It's only four pm and the sun is still high in the sky.

The waves sway down below us. 

The water is calm today, balanced. It fits my mood.

I love moments like these with Oliver. 

It's fun when we go places, stores, the mall, and all those, but it's even more fun when we're not doing anything.

I like to be with him.

Just being around him is enough to make me feel content.

I don't like this effect he has on me.

"It seems like so long ago since that day we met." I say.

Oliver glances over at me, and scoots closer. Our sides brush with every little movement.

I soak in the body heat he provides.

"Almost three months," he responds softly.

It's cold, and I don't know why we came here.

It wasn't planned. We were walking, and then when we came upon this cliff, we stopped, and sat down.

Drawn to it, maybe, by some unknown force.

The memories here, I'm not sure if they're good or bad anymore.

What I do know, is that this cliff lead me to Oliver, and for that I will be forever grateful.

"I never expected to get this close to you." I admit.

"Me neither." He agrees. "Do you still want to die?"

I'm no longer surprised by the question, like I might have been months ago.

I'm used to him. To his blunt and straightforward sentences.

I hesitate to answer.

"Sometimes. Sometimes I feel...like there's no hope , no point in me being here."

"Is that a yes?"

I grab his hand.

"No," I say. "It's an 'I don't know.'"

His hand is warm, and soft against mine.

"I guess that's better than a yes."

I let out a breath I'd been holding in. "You give me hope."

"How?"

I don't know how we got to this, but we're here.

So I open my mouth and spill out the words that describe my feelings like ink on a blank canvas.

"Because you care. Because you're here, and you stay, and you don't give up on me even when it's hard. I like that. For so long, I've held all my emotions inside. My mother doesn't know, my siblings don't know. Vic doesn't know. It was a burden. It was my deep dark secret. Then you came along, and it wasn't a big deal to you. You didn't look at me like I was crazy. You understood, and I needed that more than you'll ever know. I wanted to die that night, and you saved me, a stranger. But the important thing is that you stayed. It's been nearly three months, and you've had plenty of chances to see just how fucked up I am, but you're still here by my side. When I look at you, I feel hope, and... you make me forget all the bad things that make this world, and myself so ugly."

My feelings come pouring out, and I have to stop myself from continuing on, saying more.

So much more.

Oliver's hand tightens on my own. My hand is small in comparison to his.

"I will never leave," he vows.

I want to believe him, but I know well that everybody leaves one day.

Maybe he can read my mind, because he gives me a deep, meaningful look.

"I promise. I'll stay here with you forever. I'll always be here. I'm not going anywhere."

I slip my fingers in between his.

"You better not."

I look into his twinkling hazel eyes, and I know I am in trouble.

I know this feeling.

I'm falling in love with him.


	8. Chapter 8

MONDAY

Oliver and I lay on my bed, underneath the covers, watching a movie.

It's Midnight, and my mom doesn't even know Oliver is here. For some reason, I still haven't introduced them. Maybe it's because my mom is embarrassing as fuck.

We're watching The Exorcist about a girl who gets possessed by a demon.

Oliver has seen it before, but I haven't. 

It's an older movie, but I've always been too scared to watch it alone, and Vic's not big on scary movies.

Speaking of Vic, it's been a while since Oliver and I's talk, and although I said I would confront him, I still haven't. I'm avoiding it. I don't really know why.

For now I'm just spending a lot of time with Oliver. Not only does he distract me, but I love spending time with him.

Anyway, we're at the part where the girl's head spins around, and it's freaking me out.

I keep hearing a tapping against the window right beside my bed.

It sounds like nails, though I'm sure it's just a tree's branches blowing in the wind and hitting the glass.

"Are you scared?" Oliver asks, sounding amused.

I jump at the sound of his voice, startled.

He smirks, "well I guess I got my answer."

"Yes," I admit. "I'm scared."

I blush, hoping he can't see it in the dark.

"Could I maybe, I don't know...cuddle with you?"

Oliver smiles sweetly at me, and holds his arms out. I pull myself towards him, and rest my head on his chest.

I can hear his heart beat, and I hear when it speeds up.

"Are you scared?" I tease.

Oliver gives me a confused look, and I gesture to his chest.

"Your heartbeat, it got faster." I clarify.

Oliver shrugs. "I'm not scared."

"Sure." I say sarcastically. 

Oliver just gives me a halfhearted smile.

I lay my head back down. Our feet tangle together underneath the blanket. I feel so warm and comfortable.

"I'm still scared." I say.

"It's okay. I'll always be here to protect you." He says, his words deep with something I don't recognize.

My body tingles with the warmth of his words, and somewhere along the way, I fall asleep in his arms.

~  
TUESDAY

The sound of my alarm blaring is what wakes me up. I don't even open my eyes. I just reach my arm out and fumble around until I find the button to turn it off.

Screw school.

Sleep is better.

But apparently I'm the only one who thinks that.

"Kellin." Oliver says in my ear. "Wake up."

It's then that I realize his arms are wrapped around me, and my face is buried in the crook of his neck.

"Noooo." I whine.

I feel Oliver's hand run through my hair, almost like he's petting me. It's soothing, though, and he keeps doing it. It makes me start to doze off again.

"Kellin. You need to wake up, we've got school." Oliver whispers.

Finally, I lift my head up, and blurrily blink until my sight is clear.

"You sound like my mother." I tell him.

He smiles. "Well get up, and I'll shut up."

"Whyyyyy?" I ask, dragging the word out. "You're supposed to be that mysterious bad boy who doesn't give a shit about school so let me sleep."

Oliver chuckles. "Well, you're supposed to be a goody two shoes who loves school, so get your lazy ass up."

I poke him in the eye, just because. 

"Ow! You asshole!" He yelps, jumping back. "What was that for?!"

"No reason. You just have a very pokable eye." I tell him. "Oh, and the fact that you won't let me sleep. I am never having a sleepover with you again."

Oliver rubs his eye, and before I can even blink, he's jumping up from his spot on the bed and is now currently laying on top of me.

I attempt to shove him off. 

"You idiot!" I yell through laughter. "Get your fat ass off me, I can't breathe."

I fake wheeze for emphasis.

He ignores me. 

"Fat ass? Says the one with a bubble butt." He then squeezes my butt to prove his point.

I squeal, and roll around, finally succeeding in getting him off of me. He falls on the ground with a thud.

I crawl back under the covers, and close my eyes.

"Ow." I hear him moan from the floor.

Next thing I know, two hands are grabbing me by the legs and dragging me off the bed.

Oliver, sweet as always (note the sarcasm), drops me on the floor.

"Fuckkkkk." I groan. "Okay, fine. I'm up."

"Finally."

I groan again exaggeratedly. "Why must you drag me to hell? By hell, I mean school."

"Because, you are a good student, a perfect student. And that's not a bad thing on you. So I'm not going to let you corrupt yourself."

"What if I want to be corrupted by you?" I ask, only realizing how wrong and sexually that sounds once the words are out of my mouth.

Haha who am I kidding? I said that on purpose.

Luckily the blush that makes it's way onto my face is unseen due to the fact that my face is still buried in the ground.

I can practically see the smirk on Oliver's face when he says, "Oh, baby all you had to do was ask."

This boy will be the death of me.

~

Chemistry is one of the hardest classes for me.

I get distracted a lot now that Oliver and I have gotten closer over the last three months.

Oliver sits all the way in the back, and I can't help but sneak not so subtle glances at him every now and then.

After forcing me out of bed, I finally agreed to come to school.

Today, the teacher decides something great.

"Okay, guys," Mrs Alberta says. "Today I'm going to be assigning you lab partners."

"Ronnie and Andy."

"Jack and Alex."

"Austin and Alan."

"Tay and Jenna."

"Vic and Tony."

"And Kellin, and Oliver."

My head snaps up at the sound of my name.

Oliver gets up out of his seat and comes to my table.

He takes a seat where Austin used to sit, and smiles at me.

"Lab partners," he notes.

"How ironic that we got paired up." I say.

Oliver winks, "oh trust me baby, we got partnered up for a reason."

"And what's that?"

"We've got chemistry." Oliver says waggling his eyebrows up and down.

I laugh at his corny and cheesy attempt at flirting.

"Was that a pick up line?" I ask, jokingly.

Oliver nods all serious like, "How did you know?"

"I didn't."

"Well, was it successful? Did it work? Are you now unable to resist my beautiful face?" Oliver asks dramatically, running his hands through his hair.

"I've never been able to resist your beautiful face." I say without meaning to.

Oliver grins. "I knew we were meant to be."

I laugh and try to direct my attention back on the work we're supposed to be doing.

"We should work on this."

Oliver shakes his head. "Or you can shower me in all your love and affection."

I smile. "But what's in it for me?"

Oliver rolls his eyes. "Me, duh."

~  
WEDNESDAY

Me: I'm tired 

Oliver: go to sleep

Me: you sound like Jeff The Killer.

Oliver: my face is bleached white?

Me: I said sound like him, not look like him

Oliver: Jeff is sexy. Therefore I'm sexy.

Me: lies

Oliver: truths

Me: I can't sleep.

Oliver: why not?

Me: Insomnia? Stress? I've got too much on my mind

Oliver: like what?

Me: a lot of things. I get sad at night 

Oliver: left alone with your thoughts?

Me: i assume so. I wish you were here with me.

Oliver: I can come over if you want? Sneak in through your window.

Me: no, I don't want you to walk all the way here.

Oliver: well why did you want me there?

Me: you make me fall asleep.

Oliver: offence has been taken. am I really that boring?

Me: no, not boring at all.

Oliver: then what?

Me: you soothe me. you make me feel calm.

I can't sleep without you, I think to myself.

These feelings I have, they're getting too strong, too deep.

I can't fall for him, and I won't fall for him.

It will just be another Vic situation, and I don't think that I could handle that again.

But I'm too late, because I'm already so far gone for him.

Oliver: can I call you?

Me: could you?

A few seconds later my phone is ringing and I answer it within seconds.

"Hey." Oliver says, voice soft, yet deep.

I already feel a blanket of peacefulness envelop me.

"Hi..." I say.

"What are you thinking about?" Oliver asks.

You.

"Everything. Nothing."

"That doesn't make very much sense." Oliver teases.

"I know. But you asked."

"I guess I did."

I swallow harshly and say words that are hard to say to him, to anyone.

"You make me so happy, Oliver." I whisper, and I hope he can't hear how I have to push the words out past the lump in my throat.

Oliver chuckles quietly, and I can almost imagine the smile on his face.

"I don't think you'll ever know how much you mean to me, Kellin."

I wonder if he knew of these feelings I have, if he'd still want to be my friend.

If only he knew how my heart swells when I see his face.

"I'm glad you saved me." I admit.

"So am I."

"If you weren't there, I'd be dead right now."

Oliver is silent for a moment or two. "I don't like to think about that."

"I can't not think about it."

If he wasn't there, I would have died. I know I'm sad often, but I don't think I want to die anymore.

I'm glad I'm alive. If I wasn't, I never would have met Oliver, and he's one of the greatest things to ever happen to me.

"I adore you." Oliver says through the phone.

A smile creeps up on my face.

"Will you stay on the phone with me? Until I fall asleep."

"Of course." He says.

"Wait. Could you maybe sing for me?" I ask nervously.

I've only heard Oliver sing once and he's amazing.

I hear Oliver hesitate, but then he lets out sigh. "Only for you," he murmurs.

I close my eyes, and listen to the sound of his voice as he sings me a song.

His voice is beautiful, though I know he's self conscious about it.

I don't even notice when I doze off with his voice ringing in my ears.  
~

When I wake up, my alarm clock besides me says it's only six in the morning.

My phone is still beside my head, and when I check it, I see that Oliver and I are still on the phone.

I smile, and go back to sleep.


	9. Chapter 9

HURSDAY

My alarm goes off at 7:30 AM, disturbing me from the peacefulness of my slumber.

Apparently, I'm not the only one it disturbs as I hear a annoyed moan come from my phone which is lying halfway underneath my pillow.

I grab it, and see that yes, I'm still on the phone with Oliver, and we've been for close to nine hours.

"Oliver?" I ask.

He lets out another moan of annoyance. "I hate your alarm."

His voice is deep and husky with sleep. I like it.

"Do you not have one?"

"I do, I just...didn't set it."

"How dare you try to skip school on me." I tease.

"Well, I was going to try to skip school with you. But you're a goody two shoes, so..."

I huff. "Rude. I'm not going to skip, and neither are you."

It's funny how just a few days ago he was forcing me to get out of bed for school, and now I'm the one doing it to him.

"Yes, Mom." Oliver says sarcastically.

"Hey," I say. "That's Daddy to you."

There's silence for a moment, and my cheeks start to turn a cherry red as I realize how wrong that came out. I bury my head in my pillow to muffle the small scream I let out.

Ugh, life.

"Well..." Oliver speaks up, making me realize that yes, I am still on the phone with him, and yes, I said that.

"I'm pretty sure," he continues, voice low and seductive."That I'm Daddy.

His words send a spark of arousal through me, something I'm not used to feeling.

I'm suddenly incredibly turned on, but I also have the strongest urge to burst out laughing at the ridiculousness of this situation.

For a while we're just silent, until I somehow get a wave of courage, and decide to say this, "Okay, Daddy."

Oliver lets out a groan, which sounds oddly sexual, and I'm not sure whether or not he's laughing. That's revealed pretty soon.

"Oh my god, Kells." Oliver says through laughter.

My cheeks turn red. "What?"

"I didn't know you had a daddy kink." He teases.

"Only with you, Daddy." I respond, muffling my laughter with my hand.

He sighs. "You're going to be the death of me."

"How's that?" I ask.

Oliver laughs softly. "Don't act like you're clueless."

"Maybe I am." I say truthfully, because I honestly don't know what he means.

"It's not important." He brushes it off.

"Well, now you've got me curious."

"Curiosity killed the Kellin."

A laugh tumbles from my lips. "You did not just say that."

I can practically hear the grin on his face as he says, "Oh, but I did."

"You're such a dork."

My dork.

"You love me." Oliver says.

I think I might be starting to.

I snap my brain off, if that's even possible. Stupid feelings getting in the way of my friendship.

"You better be coming to school today." I say, changing the subject.

"Or what?" He taunts playfully.

"I'll have to punish you." I tell him, immediately bursting into laughter afterwards.

"Damn, Kellin. You've got more kinks than I expected."

"You wouldn't be able to handle me." I say jokingly.

"Hey, don't deny that you're submissive as hell. You wouldn't be able to handle me."

"It is way too early for this." I say.

"For what?"

"You, and your weirdness."

"You love it."

I do.

"Don't you mean hate?"

"You could never hate me."

"Probably not." I agree.

Hate is the farthest thing from what I feel for you.

Goddamn, my stupid, stupid heart and brain, making me feel these stupid stupid feelings.

"So..." Oliver says after a moment of silence. "Whips or chains?"

"I hate you."

~

School is shit.

I used to only come for Vic, and now that we don't talk as much, I only come for Oliver. 

Oh and the fact that it's illegal for me to not come a certain amount of days.

You know it's pretty funny how Vic and I used to be so close, and now we're so distant.

If you told me a few years ago that by age eighteen my best friend and I would hardly talk anymore, I would have laughed in your face.

Now, it's not so hard to believe. 

Over the past few weeks, we've been slowly drifting away from each other.

I spend a lot of time with Oliver nowadays, but I always made time for Vic.

What changed?

I guess Vic can't make time to fit me into his 'busy' schedule anymore.

I didn't want us to drift, and I've felt it happening. I tried to stop it.

I tried to make plans with him, anything, even just to come over and watch Netflix and talk shit like we used to.

No matter what, he always declined.

'Sorry I've already got plans.' He'd say. Or 'maybe another day.'

Now I don't try anymore. I've given up on him. I'm not going to force him into a friendship he obviously doesn't give a shit about anymore.

I'm slowly getting used to the fact that I no longer receive good morning and good night texts from him.

And the fact that he's changed seats in every single class where we sat next to each other.

I don't know what his problem is. 

Did I do something wrong?

I don't really know. I try to act like I don't give a shit, but it still hurts. I can't deny that.

I miss him.

I miss us.

~

Eighth period is study hall, and I am shocked as hell when Vic approaches me.

He takes a seat next to me, and quietly says hi.

"Hey." I say.

I don't know what to say. It's awkward, and tense.

Vic breaks the silence. "I miss you."

My mouth opens and closes a few times. Part of me wants to laugh mockingly, say, 'oh you missed me? Then why did you throw everything we had away?'

Instead, I go with the calmer, simpler response. 

"I miss you too."

"I'm sorry." Vic whispers.

"For what?" I ask, not that I don't know. I just want to hear him admit it.

"I've been a total asshole these past few weeks. I've pushed you away, completely ignored you. I'm having a hard time right now with some things I don't want to talk about just yet, and I know that's no excuse, but I was closing myself off, and that's not right. You're my best friend, and it was horrible of me to do that. I miss you so damn much, and I'm tired of acting like a child. I can't run from my problems, my feelings, and I can't push everyone away and expect things to go back to normal. I'm really sorry, Kells, and I hope you can forgive me." 

I have the urge to explode on him, to refuse his apology, and tell him he's right, he can't expect things to go back to normal, because what he did was a shitty thing, and I don't have time to deal with people that hurt me. I'm not strong enough to keep getting hurt.

But I don't do or say any of that.

I am weak, and I am vulnerable when it comes to the people I adore, the people I love, and Vic happens to be one of them. I can't say no.

"It's okay, Vic, really. I know you didn't mean to hurt me and all, but it's pretty shitty to just drop all contact with someone you're supposed to be best friends with. I wish you could have told me that you've been going through things. You don't have to tell me what if you're not comfortable with that, but I'd rather you tell me what's up instead of pushing me away."

"I'm so sorry." Vic says, and his words wouldn't mean anything if it weren't for the way I could hear the sincerity in his voice.

"I was scared. What's going on with me, it's really personal, and it's....it's making me question everything about myself, about who I am. It's affecting my relationships, my feelings, everything. I didn't know how to deal with it so my first response was to isolate myself. I didn't mean to hurt you, Kells, I hope you know that."

It's funny how we can have such a serious conversation in the middle of a loud, disruptive classroom. 

But we're in the corner, no one near, and somehow it feels okay.

Right.

"I know." I say, and I pull him close, wrapping him in a hug.

My arms go around his neck and I snuggle my face into his neck, breathing in the scent of his cologne, and just, him.

"No matter what, no matter how you feel, how complicated things are, I will always be here for you. I swear, always." I tell him.

His arms wrap around me and he squeezes me tight. "I know. I know. I'll never do anything like that again."

My throat gets tight, and I force a laugh. "You better not."

He squeezes me tighter if that's humanly possible. His grip is tight, but I feel safe.

He lets out a deep breath, and his voice is lighter, quiet, but his words are edged with meaning and something else I can't place.

"I love you, Kells." He pulls back to look me in the eyes.

His gaze is intense, and I feel like there's something I'm not getting.

I go with the automatic response.

"I love you too." I say.

There's something in his eyes, something that scares me.

Something I'm not sure I want to be there anymore.


	10. Chapter 10

SATURDAY

Oliver didn't come to school yesterday, and I'm worried about him.

Usually if he's not coming to school, he'll text and tell me. 

The first thing I do when I wake up Saturday morning is text him. 

Me: hey, you

Oliver: hey can I ask you a question?

I pause, wondering what it is.

I was about to interrogate the shit out of him about why he didn't come to school yesterday, but he has questions for me.

Okay then.

Me: of course

Oliver: are you and vic friends again? 

I wonder why he would ask that. Yeah, Vic and I had a falling out, but Oliver has never really liked Vic. That was obvious from the start.

Me: yeah, we made up. how'd you know?

Oliver: i saw you guys talking in study hall Thursday.

Me: oh yeah well he apologized and I couldn't say no anyway.

Oliver: he's an asshole really. I hate him.

Me: I know you do, but I missed him. He's my best friend, you know?

Oliver: i get it. I just hate the way he treats you. I hate how he completely ignores you and then wants everything to go back to normal.

Me: he's an asshole sometimes, I know, but everybody makes mistakes.

Oliver: yeah, I know, but you're too good for him.

In reality, I believe the complete opposite of that statement. If anything, Vic is too good for me.

I can't say that to Oliver though, because then he'd go on a rant about how amazing I am. Which is nice, but I've got questions to ask at the moment.

Me: maybe so, but that doesn't matter. I wanna know one thing. are you okay??

Oliver: why wouldn't I be?

Me: you didn't come to school yesterday and i was worried about you 

Oliver: I'm fine

Me: you've been acting a little weird lately. Please tell me the truth.

Oliver: its nothing

Me: oli...

Oliver: fine I'll tell you

Me: yay

Oliver: so there's this girl....

I feel an ache in my chest as he says that. Does he like her? The thought bugs me a whole lot more than it should.

But he's my friend, and I am not going to hold him back with these stupid feelings.

Me: what's she like?

Oliver: she's amazing. She always makes me laugh, and it's so fun to flirt with her because she gets so embarrassed and her cheeks turn red. She's nice, and kind, and wonderful but she doesn't know it. She's so insecure about her body, and she has so many issues with who she is. I want to tell her how beautiful, how great she is but I can't. I want to hold her in my arms forever.

I feel like someone is sitting on my chest, suffocating me. 

The way he talks about her is so intense, so real.

And I know I shouldn't be, but I'm incredibly jealous.

He's not even gay. He likes this girl, and I'll bet they're going to live happily ever after while I die alone.

Fuck, that got depressing.

What I'm feeling now, I've never felt before. It's possessive, and angry.

But I can't act like that with Oliver. He's my friend, and I have to support him.

Me: Damn, do you have a picture of her?

Is it horribly wrong that I want a picture of her just so I can compare myself to her? Point out all the ways she's better than I am?

Oliver: no, but I can describe her. She's got shoulder length black hair, and pretty blue green eyes. She's a quite a few inches shorter than me, and every time I'm near her, I just want to lean down and kiss her.

Me: wow it seems like you really really like her.

Oliver: I do. I've only known her for a few months but I think I'm in love with her. I've been in love once before, and this is so different. I'm starting to wonder if what I felt for my ex girlfriend Hannah wasn't love.

Fuck. 

My.

Life.

The ache in my chest gets stronger.

Me: she sounds great so what's the problem?

Oliver: she's in love with her best friend. Victoria, her best friend, obviously loves her back but is too scared to admit it so she stays with her boyfriend.

The selfish part of me is relieved that she's not interested in Oliver, but then the caring side feels bad for him.

I know what it's like to love or like someone who's just not into you.

Me: I'm sorry I know how bad that shit hurts. I wish you didn't have to go through it. I know this is shitty advice but maybe you should try to distance yourself from her, try to move on, I know it seems impossible but every person is different and maybe it will work for you.

Oliver: I'll try that. It's going to be hard to not spend all my time with her but I'll try.

Me: you can talk to me if you are ever upset or something. You know that,right?

Oliver: yeah, I know.

Me: I might give shit advice but I'll always be here to listen.

Oliver: I know kells. Thank you.

Me: of course, no problem.

Idly, I wonder what this girl looks like. I know the basic details, and from what Oliver said, she sounds beautiful. 

Way more beautiful than you'll ever be, my mind reminds me.

It hurts too much to think about Oliver with other people so I close my eyes and drown myself in the music coming from my headphones.

I open them.

The blade lying on my nightstand looks delightfully tempting.

One more time couldn't hurt.

Only once.

~

Considering the fact that I've just found out Oliver is in love with some girl, I need a distraction .

I have desperately wanted to confront Vic, and talk to him about the 'incident' for months now. So I decide that in order to take my mind off of Oliver, I'll focus all my energy on this.

I need to know why he's been acting weird ever since then, why he tried to kiss me.

The rational part of my brain says that maybe he was horny and drunk and I was there.

But why would he distance himself from me afterwards?

There are so many questions, and no answers at all. 

Oliver gives some pretty good advice, but each time I try to talk to Vic about it, I clam up.

I'm such a coward.

Which is why I decide that I'll invite him over to my house and talk to him tomorrow, which is Sunday.

And this time I won't chicken out.

~

SUNDAY

Vic comes over at three thirty.

I'm tired as hell because I stayed up all night talking to Oliver on the phone.

I didn't tell Oliver about the whole talking to Vic thing because he'd probably want to be here to witness it.

Things shouldn't be any different between Oliver and I, but ever since he told me about that girl, I've been being weird, and kind of closed off.

I don't know if he's noticed it yet, but I have. I'm not doing it intentionally, but my brain is wired to shut itself off to prevent the risk of getting hurt.

Figuring out this whole situation with Vic will hopefully get my mind off Oliver, and give me some long awaited answers.

After some chit chat as we sit on the sofa in my living room, I get straight to the point.

"Vic, I have an important question to ask you."

"What is it?" He asks, bright and cheerful as always.

My hands shake in nervousness. 

"Okay, you remember a few months ago when you took me to that party?"

Vic's brown eyes darken a little. "Yup, what about it?"

I take a deep breath, and..."You got drunk and you tried to kiss me." 

Vic laughs like it's nothing at all. "Yeah, I remember. What about it?"

"Why'd you do it? Why did you try to kiss me?" I ask.

"I was drunk." Vic says.

But if there's one good thing about having a childhood best friend, that's that you can always tell when they're lying.

"Don't lie to me." I say. "This is serious and I want you to tell me the truth."

"Calm down, Kellin." Vic says, like I'm overreacting.

And maybe I am a little bit, but I hate it when he lies to me. The truth is easier to tell.

"Vic," I pause. 

Am I really going to say this? If he says yes, this will bring a whole lot of shit out into the open. If he says no, well it could possibly ruin everything.

What do I have to lose?

Everything, including Vic, my mind reminds me.

I ignore it, and blurt out the question.

"Are you in love with me?"

Vic jumps up. His face goes pale, and he looks at me with a stunned expression on his face.

"W-who told you that?"

My heart races in my chest as I think of what to say next.

"Is it true? Do you?" I ask, standing up so I don't feel so small.

"N-no." His voice shakes.

"Is it?" I persist, my voice rising.

He gives me a desperate look, and his voice is quiet when he speaks. "What do you want me to say?"

"The truth."

He lets out a long sigh, them opens his mouth and says the words I've been wanting to hear since I was fourteen years old.

"I'm in love with you, Kellin."

My heart flutters. 

It's true. Oliver was right.

"Kiss me." I order.

He looks at me in confusion.

"What?"

"Just do it." I plead.

So he does.

He closes the distance between us, and his soft lips meet mine.

His hands go to my waist, and we kiss deeper.

It's good. It's really damn good. Kissing him is amazing, it's literally a dream come true.

I've been dreaming of this since I was in the ninth grade and Vic was my only friend.

I tangle my fingers in his black hair, and -

I think of tattooed arms and-

No. No, this isn't right.

When I'm kissing Vic, I shouldn't be thinking of Oliver.

It's wrong, it's so wrong. 

I pull away quickly.

Vic's eyes open, and he stares at me with this hopeful expression.

What I'm going to do, to say, is going to break his heart, and I am a horrible person.

I love him, but I don't think it's how it used to be.

It's too late now.

"I have to go, Vic. I love you. I really do....But I have to go.... I'm sorry. I'm so damn sorry, god." I rant, and then I race out of my own house in a panic.

I feel like such a terrible person. I was practically holding Vic's heart in my hands, and I just threw it away.

My mind is a tornado and I'm destroying everything, even my best friend.

But fuck, right now there's only one thought in my head that stands out from all the rest.

I'm in love with someone else.


	11. Chapter 11

MONDAY

Last night was absolutely horrible. After running out of my house, I found myself at the same park Oliver and I had been to a few weeks prior.

I stayed there for a while, not doing anything, not even thinking. 

When I got back to my house it was dark, and my phone said it was ten o'clock.

Vic wasn't there anymore, and I ignored my mother's voice asking where I'd been.

I went straight to my bedroom, and fell asleep.

Now it's 8:00 in the morning, and I'm sitting here on the edge of my bed unable to do anything other than think.

I am a fucked up mess.

I'm such an idiot, such a fool. 

I'm a horrible person.

I fucking hate myself.

My eyes are slowly drawn to the top drawer of my nightstand.

I don't have to think twice before I'm up on my feet, tugging the drawer open and snatching the shiny metal blade out.

I don't hesitate, don't pause, don't even think twice.

Slash, slash.

I do it until the thoughts go away, but there's a problem this time.

The feelings, the thoughts, they don't go away. The pain doesn't replace them with it's usual blissfulness. 

They're still there. My escape, it's not working.

I stop.

There's over a dozen cuts across my wrist, all the way up to my elbow.

The sight, all bloody, and torn, scars reopened repeatedly, unable to heal, brings tears to my eyes.

I stare at the mess that is myself, and I want to throw up.

Who am I?

What have I become?

I don't like this. I don't like this person who I've become.

I used to be so happy. I used to enjoy life and love everything about it.

Up until around the age of eleven.

Everything went to shit. I started cutting, and my once prominent smile turned into a permanent frown.

I lost everything I was.

Now there's no joy in anything. Now I can barely find a reason to breathe.

I'm not always sad.

Back when Vic and I were close, I was happy a lot.

And Oliver.

He makes me so happy. He makes me smile, and laugh, and I have fun, so much fun when I'm with him.

But he doesn't take the pain away. No one does, and no one can.

I've been taking Oliver's antidepressants for a little while now. I know they're not magic, that they don't work instantly, but I wish they could.

I attempted to schedule an appointment with a psychiatrist but they couldn't get me in. Apparently, they're all booked up for about a month and a half.

I know I'll get in eventually.

But.

I'm scared.

I'm scared it won't work, that it won't help.

But I'm also scared it will.

I have so many feelings, so much anger, and hurt.

It's all I can focus on.

Negativity.

I'm such a failure.

My best friend is in love with me. Vic Fuentes. Is in love with me.

I should be ecstatic. I should be jumping for joy.

I've been in love with him since I was fourteen years old. For years, I've dreamed of what it would be like if he finally broke up with his girlfriend, and admitted his undying love for me.

It was always a dream, something that would never happen. It was something I liked to envision, to imagine, and hope for.

He'd kiss me, and everything would be right. I'd feel it, that spark, and he'd look into my eyes, and say it, say 'I'm in love with you, Kellin', and everything would be perfect.

My world of darkness and hurt, would become one of light, and all I would feel was his love for me.

I thought his love would be enough to fix me, fix everything.

It was such a beautiful dream, one I thought about often.

I never thought it would happen.

But now it has.

My best friend, the boy of my dreams (quite literally), is in love with me.

He kissed me last night, and it was nice. It was better than nice.

It was amazing.

But he's too late.

I love him, and maybe I'll always be a little in love with him.

After all, he's my first love.

But it's not what it should have been.

It shouldn't have been rainbows, and sunshine, and it wasn't.

I never expected it to be movie worthy, because life isn't a fairytale.

It actually met all the expectations I had.

But when his lips were on mine, it felt wrong.

It felt so wrong, and it shouldn't have.

But then I realized why it felt so bad, so horribly wrong.

Because when I was kissing him, I was thinking of hazel eyes, and a permanent smirk.

I was thinking of Oliver.

~

I bandage my cuts, and tug a hoodie on.

I get to school early, and grab my books.

I get to class before everyone else.

When I enter the Spanish classroom, it's empty except for the teacher.

I faintly think of how Vic moved his seat back to be next to me.

I'll have to sit by him. I don't want to answer all the questions he'll have about yesterday.

About the kiss, and me panicking and running away.

I don't know how to explain.

I gave him so much hope with that kiss, and I don't know if I have it in me to tear that all away.

It'll break his heart, I know that.

Sitting here in an empty classroom, I finally admit the truth to myself.

"I'm in love with Oliver." I whisper softly.

It feels weird to say.

Four months ago I didn't know anyone by the name Oliver. Four months ago, I was pining after my straight best friend.

Four months ago, I never would have pictured I'd be here.

But I am.

I love Oliver.

In such little time, he's become such a big part of my life.

Now, I can barely picture a life without him in it.

Is this how I am destined to live the rest of my life?

Loving someone who is incapable of loving me back?

I'm so selfish. For years, I've ached to have Vic feel what I felt for him. Now that he does, I don't want him anymore.

You're a fucking failure, my mind reminds me, you keep on hurting people and acting like you're the victim.

My head hurts. Aches. It's worse than a migraine.

I run my hands through my hair in frustration, resisting the urge to just pull it out.

I wish my brain had a off switch because I'm tired of thinking.

There's no escape.

I lay my head down on my desk, and close my eyes.

I take deep breaths, which start to calm me down.

I keep my head down, ignoring the sounds of my fellow classmates taking their seats and chatting animatedly. 

I only lift my head when I feel the presence of someone beside me.

Vic.

He slides into the chair next to me, shooting a cautious glance at my face.

"Hi." He says awkwardly.

"Hey."

"What happened yesterday?" Vic asks, concern coating his words.

"I don't know." I admit. "I'm fucked up right now, Vic."

"Can you at least explain what made you run off like that?" Vic asks.

"Wait. Tell me what's going on. Don't you love Danielle?" I ask.

I've got so many unanswered questions.

"I do. I love her. At least, I think I do. But, Kellin, there's something about you. You know, I've been feeling this way about you for a long time, and I'm trying to finally come to terms with this because I've been in denial about it for a long time. Remember when I told you I was struggling about something? It was about my feelings for you.."

I had suspicions.

"You can't have us both," I remind him, and desperately hope he'll say he chooses her.

"Then I guess I have to make a decision. I love her. I also love you. But how do you feel?"

I'm secretly praying this is a fluke, that he's having an identity crisis and in the end it will end up to be nothing.

My head spins. Now, I can't do this, not right now. I can't tell him I'm in love with someone else. I can't break his heart when he's looking at me with such hope in his eyes.

No, I will do anything to avoid breaking someone's soul.

I glance behind me.

Oliver isn't here.

I'm glad. I don't want to look at him, to face him, because I'm afraid he'll be able to see the love in my eyes, the way I can't help but absolutely adore him.

At the same time, I'm disappointed he isn't here. I need to see his smile, his stupid smirk. I need his corny jokes to take my mind off everything.

I need a distraction.

Vic is still looking at me, I realize, waiting for an answer.

In a panic, I raise my hand.

"Yes, Kellin?" The teacher asks.

I don't know why I raised my hand. I stare at her, dumbstruck, before I snap out of it.

Escape. I need an escape from Vic and his prying eyes.

"Bathroom." I choke out. "I was wondering if I may go to the bathroom?"

"Unless it's an emergency, then no."

Fuck.

I put on my puppy dog eyes, and give her my best innocent face. "It's an emergency ma'am, may I please go?"

She gives me an annoyed look, but nods, and gestures for me to hurry.

I jump out of my seat, and speed walk out the door.

I go into the first bathroom I come across. I need to cool down, evaluate what I'll say if Vic tries to confront me again.

As soon as I enter the bathroom, I hear moans. This usually wouldn't phase me considering that bathrooms are the number one hook up spot.

Usually, I would just quietly back out, and use another restroom.

But then I hear something, other than the breathy moans, of course, that catches my attention.

"Oh, fuck, Oliver!" A girl's voice moans.

I freeze.

I feel a deep pang of something in my chest. I don't know what, but it feels an awful lot like what I feel whenever Vic kisses Danielle. Jealousy.

But fuck. This hurts worse than anything I've ever experienced before.

The pain is worse than that of the pain I feel when I carve hideous words into my body with the blade I hide in my closet.

The pain is worse than the moment I found out Vic was in a relationship, a serious one.

It's worse than the time I fell out of a tree at the age of six and broke my arm, my foot, and one of my ribs.

That's saying a lot.

I'm about to leave, to pity myself by hiding in a janitor's closet. 

I'm about to cry, to leave and never come back.

But then I hear something else.

"Ugh fuck me!" The girl yelps.

That voice, I know it somehow. I've heard it before.

"Oh god," the girl says loudly.

And suddenly her face pops into my head, and I know who it is.

Red hair and pretty green eyes.

Dani. Danielle. As in my best friend's girlfriend.

I don't bother to sneak out of the bathroom, no, I shove it open and let it slam shut.

I don't want them to see it was me who was there, so I race down the hallways, trying not to drop my books at every turn.

I pull the door of the first Janitor's closet I see open, and lock myself inside.

It's dark. I can barely see a thing.

I fall down to the floor, not even bothering to flinch when I collide with the ground.

I pull my knees up to my chest, and rock back and forth, trying to calm myself down.

It's no use.

Stupid tears rise in my eyes and spill like miniature waterfalls.

I sob, and I know it sounds broken, I know this is different.

This isn't Vic.

This is Oliver, and I love him, and he's in that bathroom right now fucking my best friend's girlfriend, and I'm going to fucking throw up-

I do.

I gag, and next thing I know the apple and slice of toast I ate for breakfast are coming back up.

I throw up, and then I cry more.

I can't stop.

What's wrong with me?

What is wrong with me?

He's a boy. He's a boy, he's just a boy. This isn't the end of the world, calm down, I tell myself.

It doesn't work.

He's not just some boy, Oliver, he's my hero. He saved my life and I'm so in love with him I can barely think straight. The thought of him with her, it kills me, I realize.

He's so much more than I ever thought he'd be.

The sounds of her moans, Danielle's, play on a loop in my mind.

I can't get the sounds she made out of my mind.

I don't know what to do. I made so many assumptions based on nothing. I assumed Oliver felt the way I did. I assumed wrong.

Then, a realization dawns on me.

That girl Oliver told me about with short black hair and blue green eyes.

The girl he's in love with, he told me about her, and the advice I gave him was to get over her.

It's my fault, it's all my fault.

If I'd never given him that stupid advice, he wouldn't be in the bathroom right now fucking my best friend's girlfriend and longtime enemy.

Tears roll down my cheeks.

I'm such a child. I'm so pathetic. Look at me, hiding in a Janitor's closet and crying my eyes out over a boy who's not interested in me.

So pathetic, but I can't stop.

This is all my fault. Why? Out of everyone in this school, why did it have to be Danielle?

She's always getting what I can't have.

Then, suddenly, my mind is made up.

I'm done being this foolish little boy crying over dumb things like his crush not reciprocating his feelings.

I can have what I want.

So why not take it?


	12. Chapter 12

MONDAY CONTINUATION

I am fine. I am completely fine.

I hide in the Janitor's closet for the rest of first period.

Luckily for me, I brought all my books with me, meaning I don't have to go retrieve them from Spanish class and get into a confrontation with the teacher about not coming back to class.

As soon as the bell rings, signalling the end of class, I race out of the closet (no pun intended), down the hall to where Vic's locker is (and also, unfortunately, Oliver's).

He's standing at his locker, putting his books away.

Out of the corner of my eye, I see Oliver looking at me, and his figure starts to approach me.

A image of what he might have looked like fucking Danielle, pops into my head, and I shake it away quickly.

I can't deal with this right now. I can't talk to Oliver, I can't face him. Not now. I have to do what's best for me.

I tap on Vic's shoulder.

He turns around to face me.

"Kellin, where have you been?" He asks worriedly.

I avoid his question. "Vic, you're in love with me, right?"

He gives me a funny look and nods slowly. "What's all this about, Kells?"

I take a deep breath. "You love me, yeah? So kiss me."

"Wait, why-"

"Just kiss me." I order, and then softer, "please."

He looks at me for a minute, contemplating something in his mind.

Then his hand cups my cheek, and he brings my face close to his.

Our lips touch.

My eyes are still open, and for some horrible reason, my eyes connect with Oliver's.

He's giving me this stunned, confused, and somewhat hurt look.

Hurt? What does he have to be hurt about?

I close my eyes, and push myself against Vic.

Our lips move together in sync. His lips are soft, and smooth, just how I imagined they would be.

I put my one hand on his shoulder for support, and lean into his touch more.

He's a good kisser, an amazing kisser in fact.

Butterflies float around in my stomach.

It's so good, but it's so wrong.

I get the feeling that we're being watched, so I open my eyes.

People are staring at us.

I almost laugh. I forgot we were standing in the middle of a school hallway, two boys making out, one of whom is supposed to have a girlfriend.

I ignore them.

I close my eyes once again, and focus on the feeling of his Vic's lips on mine.

My mind starts to wander, to pretty hazel eyes, and I mentally smack myself back into reality.

Now's not the time to be thinking of Oliver. Not when a beautiful boy, a boy who's my best friend, is kissing me, is in love with me.

I pull away when the need for air is absolutely necessary.

Vic's eyes slowly open, and he looks at me dazedly.

There's such fondness in his eyes it makes me feel faint.

"I love you." I whisper.

I find myself meaning it. I love him. But now it's simply platonic.

His eyes glow with happiness, and he pulls me back into his arms to kiss me hard, leaving me breathless.

"You have no idea how happy you've made me." He says.

All I can do is smile.

"I love you." He tells me, seeming in awe.

"I love you too. I always have." I say.

He grins. "Always?"

God, what am I doing? This isn't right.

"Mhm."

What an I doing?

~

Vic convinces me to skip the rest of school with him.

It surprises me, that he even suggests it. Vic's not usually one to miss out on school.

He's a goody two shoes, really. Even more than I am.

I agree, because I'm not in the mood to deal with teachers, and most of all, Oliver.

Vic suggests we walk around, and eventually we stop at a pretty meadow, with only a few houses around.

He sits down on the ground, and pats the spot next to him.

I sit there, leaning my head on his shoulder.

A thought pops into my head.

"What are you going to do about Danielle?" I ask.

Vic's response is almost immediate. "I'll break up with her."

This shocks me a little.

"Really? You've been together for nearly two years."

Vic wraps his arm around my shoulder. "I love her, I can't say that I don't. But I will always choose you. I guess you could say you're my number one."

My heart swells. "You really love me?"

I know he does, but I can't help but keep asking because it's so hard to wrap my head around.

"I do. I think I always have."

"Always? I haven't noticed, until very recently." I say.

Vic shrugs. "I think I've always felt this way. I just didn't realize it until I thought I was losing you."

I stiffen, and scrunch my face up in confusion. "Losing me? What are you talking about?"

Vic fidgets. "I'm talking about Oliver. I could tell he was really into you, and I started to get jealous. That's when I realized that my feelings were way more than platonic."

"Oliver? Into me?" I ask, feeling like something is wrong deep down in my chest.

Vic glances down at me. "You didn't know?"

I shake my head. "Oliver's not- he's straight."

Vic laughs. "In what world?"

I can't help but feel I've made a horrible mistake by confessing my love for Vic.

This isn't who I am. I'm not a bad person, at least never intentionally. 

But here I am, doing a horrible, terrible thing.

Vic is my best friend, and I can't lead him on. I can't be something I'm not.

I don't want to do this, to break his heart, but it's better to tell him the truth than keep him believing this stupid lie.

"I'm so sorry." I say softly.

"For what?" He asks, confused.

"I lied to you."

His face darkens, but he keeps his smile. "About what?"

I breathe in deeply. "Everything."

That's when his smile drops, turns into a frown. "By everything- you don't - you don't mean everything, right? Right?" He asks, seeming to catch on.

No, I want to say, of course I didn't lie about everything, I love you.

But saying that would be a lie.

"I don't love you." I admit.

I never thought I'd be able to say those words. I thought I'd always mean them, for my whole life.

It's funny how one minute you can love someone to death, and the next, it's not the same as it used to be.

Vic's face breaks. No, not splits in half. It crumbles, and I have the sense he's heartbroken.

He backs away, sits up straighter. He looks at me like I'm crazy, like I'm delusional.

"Kellin...please. Don't- don't tell me that everything that happened today was a lie." His bottom lip wobbles.

I've never broken somebody's heart before. I never want to do it again.

"I'm sorry." Is all I can say.

Vic stares at me, like this is some sort of sick joke, and I'm going to snap out of it, telling him I'm kidding.

A tear falls from Vic's eye, and slides down his cheek.

"Why?" He asks, desperately.

"I- I thought I would mean it, the way I used to." I choke out.

His eyes lock with mine. "The way you used to...?"

"I loved you." I reveal. "I was in love with you."

"How long?" He asks monotonously.

"Years, so many damn years. Since we were fourteen." 

He looks at me, a pained expression on his face. "Four years? You've loved me for four years, and you never thought to tell me?"

I run my hand through my hair. "I was scared, Vic! I was so scared to tell you. It would have ruined everything, and you know it! You can't tell me you would have been okay with it back then, that you would have accepted it with open arms, loved me back!"

"You're right." Vic says. "But I wish you weren't."

"I'm sorry." I say, not knowing what else I could say in this situation.

"Are you?" he challenges.

"Of fucking course I am." I defend. "I love you so much, Vic. It's just....not that way anymore."

"Why? What changed?" he asks. "You loved me before. What made you stop?"

I pause. 

I want to tell him the truth, but I'm not sure he'll want to hear it.

I open my mouth to respond, but he interrupts me.

"It's Oliver, isn't it?" he asks bitterly.

I stare at him in shock. 

"How did you know?" I ask softly.

Am I really that fucking obvious?

"I said I felt like I was losing you, and I guess I was right. You look at him like he's the center of your world, like he's the damn sun. When you're with him, laughing, or talking, you smile so damn bright, and you look at him with...this adoring expression. I can't even explain it."

"Well, fuck." I curse.

I know I'm in love with Oliver, but this, the fact that other people can see it makes it so much more intense. If other people can see it, does that mean Oliver can, too?

"Are you in love with him?" he asks. 

I don't want to answer. I know that my answer will hurt him, and I think he knows that. It's weird to think that a few months ago our roles were reversed and I was the one asking questions I didn't want to know the answer to.

I can't lie to Vic. He knows the answer anyway.

"Yes." I admit. "I'm in love with him."

This isn't the first time I've said it out loud, but it is the first time I've said it to another person, and for some reason, that makes it so much more real.

Vic winces, as if in physical, and mental pain.

"I had a feeling." He's silent for a second. "I wish I would have realized it sooner, that I'm in love with you. God, I'm such a dumb ass."

"You had four years." I tell him.

He laughs spitefully. "It took me four years." 

"I'm sorry." I apologize, for what must be the one hundredth time.

"I know... I was just too late."

"I guess we weren't meant to be." I say.

"And you and Oliver are?" he asks, with a biting tone.

I shake my head, and ignore the bitterness in his voice. "No, I don't think so."

"You're so oblivious." he says.

"I am not. I'm just not going to be optimistic about something when I know I have no chance." I say defensively.

"He's in love with you. You need to realize that, before he falls in love with someone else, so I'd say you have about four years." Vic remarks.

I hate the way he says it.

There's so much anger, so much hurt in his words, and I caused it all. That doesn't mean I don't wish I could take it all away. 

"I'm sorry!" I say loudly. "I am so sorry! Okay?"

Vic sighs, seeming to deflate of all anger. Instead, his facial expression is one of sadness.

"I know, Kells. I know. I'm sorry, too. It's just...this is hard. I realize I'm in love with you, only to find I'm too late, and you're in love with someone else. I had four years, and I didn't realize it until it was too late."

I grab his hand in mine.

"I love you, okay? Not in a romantic sense, but as a best friend. I love you, and although I'm not in love with you, everything will be okay. It might take forever, hell, it did for me, but you will get over me, and you will find someone who loves you back, someone who will love you as much as you love them, but that person is not me."

"I wish it was you." he says longingly.

Me too, I think to myself. Everything would be so much easier if it was.

"One day, you won't wish that." I tell him.

"Today is not that day." he remarks.

I let go of his hand. If he's going to get over me, it'd be best not to be too close. I know that would have helped back when I was in love with him, and he was clinging to me like a damn koala.

"Wait."

I look at him. "What?"

"Do me one favor." Vic pleads.

"What is it?" I ask.

"Kiss me."

I hesitate, "Vic, you know I don't-"

He cuts me off. "I know. I know you don't feel the same way, but please, can you just let me kiss you one more time? One last time?"

I nod, "Okay."

It's the least I can do.

Vic pulls me closer by the arm.

His hands rest on my hips, and he softly presses his lips to mine. 

I cup his cheek with my hands, and kiss him back.

It's good. I know I'm not supposed to have feelings for Vic, at least, not enough to be considered love, but I will always have feelings for him. It's just that now, my feelings aren't as strong as the ones I have for Oliver. The way I feel about Vic, is a crush. Yes, that's what it is.

Though I'm not in love with him, I can't say that this kiss isn't good. It's closure, or at least that's what it feels like. Closure, for the both of us.

His lips move together with mine. Finally, after a minute or so, he pulls away.

A few tears fall from his eyes, and I want to cry at the sight. 

I use my thumb to wipe them away.

"I hate you so damn much." he says softly. "Because I can't help but love and adore you..."


	13. Chapter 13

TUESDAY

Oliver texted me multiple times last night, and although I read them, I couldn't bring myself to respond.

I'm hurt.

Maybe I don't have the right to be. After all, Oliver isn't mine. We aren't dating. But that doesn't mean I can shut off the emotions I feel.

Devastation.

That's what I felt when I walked into that bathroom, and...heard those moans.

I was devastated. 

I should be used to the pain that comes with unrequited love. I was in love with Vic for four years, and for two of those years, he had a girlfriend who he kissed, cuddled, and did cutesy shit with.

But for some reason, it's different this time. I don't know why.

I can't say my feelings for Oliver are stronger than the ones I had for Vic, because they're not. I loved Vic to death. 

The way I feel/felt about them is something that can't be compared.

I don't want to block Oliver out. It's not like I'm intending to shut him out, or hurt him in any way, but right now I just can't talk to him, like everything is okay. 

For me, nothing is okay.

Am I being selfish? 

Maybe.

I'm not sure what to do anymore.

Last night, as soon as I got home, I put my headphones in and blasted music until I fell asleep.

But not before I hurt myself again.

I told myself I would stop...but with everything going on, I can't. It's an addiction.

Now, it's Tuesday morning, and I'm debating whether or not to go to school.

I decide I will.

I can't miss school just because I'm scared to face some boy.

~

The walk to school gives me a lot of time to think.

I think of Vic, mostly.

I feel like such a terrible person for what I did yesterday.

I kissed him, gave him all that hope and security, and then I snatched it all away with only a few words.

I love him. I love Vic.

But I'm not in love with him anymore.

I kissed him, because I thought that would fix everything.

I heard Oliver with Danielle, and I was mad. In the heat of the moment, I kissed Vic. 

I was angry, and I thought I was still in love with him. I thought, maybe I can't have Oliver, but that doesn't mean I can't have Vic.

I'm such an idiot.

What is wrong with me?

Why do I always want what I can't have?

How could I do that to him, to Vic?

Six months ago, I would have happily kissed Vic, feeling content that my dreams had finally came true.

Now, I wish that Vic was anything but in love with me. 

I never want to hurt him, but I already have.

He's my best friend, and yesterday I broke his heart. I'll probably continue to break his heart, over the littlest of things like being in love with someone.

I'm a terrible, terrible person, and I know it. 

I get confused, and I do impulsive shit that only ends up hurting someone because I can never make up my goddamn mind.

How can Vic love me?

I'm nothing. I'm not deserving of his love.

All I will do is hurt him. He deserves better than that.

My phone rings in my pocket, pulling me out of my hateful thoughts.

I answer without looking at the caller ID.

"Hi?" I ask.

"Hey, Kells." A deep voice says, whom I instantly identify as Oliver.

I really shouldn't pick up my phone without looking.

"Oliver." I say quietly. "Hi."

"I can't believe you actually picked up." Oliver says with a relieved laugh.

"Me either." I agree.

"Kells, what's going on?" He asks strictly.

I pretend I don't know what he's talking about. "What do you mean?"

"You're ignoring me. Did I do something wrong?"

Yes, you fucked my best friend's girlfriend, and the person I despise.

"I'm not ignoring you, Oliver." I lie. "I was just really busy yesterday."

"Don't lie to me, please."

His words make me angry.

I take a deep breath to calm myself down. There's a lot I want to say to him, but I can't do it on the phone.

"We'll talk when I get to school, okay?" I hang up before he can reply or protest.

~

Oliver is standing at my locker waiting for me when I arrive. As soon as he sees me, he grabs me by the hand (I curse the stupid butterflies that swim around in my stomach) and drags me into the nearest boys bathroom.

Which just happens to be the one I walked into yesterday and heard him fucking Danielle in. Oh the irony.

The bathroom door slams shut, and Oliver quickly checks the stalls to make sure no one is in there.

It's funny how careful he's being. He obviously didn't give a shit if anyone walked in on him yesterday.

"Tell me what is going on." Oliver demands once he's made sure we're the only ones in here.

Well, fuck. What am I supposed to say? It's not like I can tell him the truth, because that would mean exposing my stupid feelings for him.

I think of what to say before I settle upon something that won't reveal my feelings so obviously.

"You're fucked up." I say instead.

That's not what I intended to say, but when I opened my mouth to speak, it popped out.

Oliver raises an eyebrow. "That's not new information, considering we've clarified this many times."

Fuck it. Fuck him, and his cocky attitude.

"Fuck you." I spit out unintentionally, overcome by anger.

Oliver smirks. "I know you want to."

I'm suddenly at a loss for words. That hit way too close to home. Even though I know Oliver is just dodging my insults with his usual banter, for a split second I'm speechless, wondering if he's finally figured it out.

He hasn't. 

His face softens, and he shows genuine hurt, which is something I'm not used. He's so good at covering up his true feelings with his arrogant know-it-all facade. "Why are you mad at me? Why are you insulting me?"

I feel myself deflate of all anger as I look at him. Instead I am filled with a familiar fondness, and a deep sadness for the love I have to cover up.

I'm tired of trying to hide everything.

"I'm mad," I start. "Because of yesterday."

"What did I do?" Oliver asks instantly.

"Let me talk." I say.

He nods in agreement.

I continue. "I was in first period with Vic, and I noticed you weren't there, which I was obviously concerned about because you usually tell me when you're going to be out. So, halfway through the class, I had to go to the bathroom."

A look of realization dawns on Oliver's face. "That was you?"

I feel my hands start to shake. With what, I'm not sure. Anxiety, nervousness, maybe. It could be because just thinking about yesterday makes tears well up in my eyes. Or it could be that I'm scared, so fucking terrified of what this conversation might lead to.

I nod slowly. "Yeah, y-yeah. That was me."

I silently curse the way my voice decides to wobble and shake with each word. If my face hasn't already revealed the fact that I'm heart broken, then my voice surely will.

"I'm sorry! I didn't mean for you to walk in on that. I was trying to take your advice and get over yo- that girl. Danielle... she offered and I stupidly agreed. I'm so sorry, I shouldn't have done that considering she's your best friend's girlfriend. It was wrong."

Part of me wants to laugh. He still hasn't figured it out yet. Nope, he thinks I'm mad because he fucked my best friend's girlfriend.

But who can blame him? What other reason would I have to be upset?

My lips act before my brain can and I say something that is a huge mistake. "I'm not mad because she's Vic's girlfriend."

Oliver gives me an adorably confused look. "Then why are you mad?"

Me, being my stupid self...I've backed myself into a corner. I don't think there's any way to escape this. But that doesn't mean I can't try.

"It's nothing." I rush out. "Just forget about it."

My words only seem to make him more curious.

"Kells, I'm not going to forget about this. So I suggest you tell me the truth."

He sounds so strict, like a parent. By the look on his face, I can tell he's serious. He means business.

"I'm mad because..." I trail off.

I can't do this. I'm not ready.

"I don't....I'm in...."

Oliver gives me a worried look. "Is this really so hard for you to say? If it's that hard, you don't have to tell me."

Jesus Christ, he's an angel.

But...

"I can't- I have to say this." I tell him desperately.

He nods, patiently.

I squeeze my eyes shut and force the words out. "I like you."

There's silence before I hear Oliver let out an amused chuckle. I open my eyes.

"You like me? I like you, too, Kells, you're a good friend. So what is it you have to tell me?"

I freeze.

He doesn't understand.

He doesn't understand what I mean, what I'm saying.

What do I do?

I have two options, two choices.

One; Lie. I can make up a quick on the spot lie, a random excuse as to why I'm mad. Something believable.

But I don't want to do that. I'm tired of always hiding the truth because I'm afraid. I don't want to lie, to dig myself in a hole, a web of lies.

Sometimes I just want to tell the truth, to lift the burden of keeping this locked inside.

Then there's option two.

Two; tell the truth.

The thought terrifies me, overwhelms me in the worst way possible. The thought of telling him makes it hard for me to breathe. 

Fear. There is so much fear in this decision I have to make.

How will he react? Will he laugh at me, mock me? Or will he give me a pitying look as he informs he that he unfortunately doesn't feel the same way?

Is it worth it? Telling him, is it worth the risk? The risk of losing him, losing his friendship, his silly pick up lines, his arms holding me as I fall asleep, his voice soothing me into a deep slumber.

Is it worth it?

I don't know.

But for once, I want to tell the truth.

Is it worth the risk?

I don't know.

But I guess it's time to find out.


	14. Chapter 14

TUESDAY CONTINUATION

"Are you sure? Absolutely positive that you want me to tell you this?" I ask Oliver, praying to God he'll say no, it's not important.

My hands shake at my sides as I await his reply. I clasp them together in front of myself, fiddling with them as a temporary distraction.

Oliver gives me a worried look.

It's funny, he knows nothing of the internal struggle and fight I am currently having with myself.

"Yes, I do. But, you're worrying me a bit, Kells. How bad is whatever you have to tell me?" His voice carries concern.

I laugh, but it comes out sounding choked, and forced. "Bad. Depending on how you look at it."

"You don't have to tell me." Oliver says, looking concerned for my wellbeing.

I almost want to agree, and take this out he's giving me. But I'm so close to saying it, finally telling him, and I can't back out now.

"No, I can't stop now. This, it's killing me, really. I have to tell you. I have to. Because nothing will be okay until I do." 

"Okay." Oliver agrees.

How do I do this? How do I say this?

I need to have some kind of contact with him.

I step forward, closer to him.

A wave of his cologne reaches my nose, and I breathe it in, already feeling myself beginning to calm down a little.

Oliver's eyes watch me cautiously.

I reach out, and I grab his hand, holding it in mine. I tangle our fingers together.

It's so familiar.

Oliver looks at me, confusion and fear flashing in his eyes. But there's something else. I don't know what it is.

I grasp his warm hand in mine. I need this, this physical contact with him. Touching him, holding onto him, comforts me in a way I can not explain. It makes me feel safe.

Touching him makes me feel less like I'm floating adrift in a vast sea of nothingness. He makes me feel anchored.

I inhale deeply, preparing myself.

This all seems so dramatic. 

Why can't I just say it?

It'd be so easy to say it, get it over with. But it is not as easy as it seems. The struggle to form the words, push them out and make them real, is terrifyingly hard.

"I'm mad," I start. "Because when I walked into this bathroom yesterday, I wasn't expecting that, wasn't expecting to hear some girl moaning your name. I wasn't expecting for that girl to be Danielle and..."

I pause, hesitate.

Oliver nods for me to go on, his fingers softly messaging the palm of my hand.

I have to physically force the words out, push them past the lump forming in my throat.

"I... I felt something." I say, words dripping with disdain as I recall the emotions I felt as I walked into this bathroom.

"It..it was something I wasn't expecting to feel." I continue. "It hurt...and it made me feel so empty, so...betrayed."

Oliver's eyebrows furrow, but I ignore the movement and keep talking.

"It hurt more than anything else I've ever encountered. It was a horrible, horrible feeling. It made my chest ache, and I felt like I would die from just the sheer amount of pain I felt. I felt like it was consuming me. It...it made me realize something. Something I tried to deny, tried so hard to prevent, but my attempts were all failures. I couldn't stop it. It made me realize that...that I'm...."

"You're what?" Oliver prompts.

His eyes are soft, and welcoming. There's a part of me that wonders if he knows what I'm hinting at, what I'm getting to. But I'm proven wrong by that look in his eyes. Curiosity.

This is it.

My grip on his hand tightens. I'm holding on so desperately, praying he will never let go. I look directly into his eyes, his beautiful brown eyes that I fall more and more in love with each and every day, and I say it.

"Oliver...I love you...I'm in love with you."

He didn't know.

His eyes widen almost comically, and he stares at me in shock, and what seems like amazement.

My throat goes dry, and I feel like there isn't enough air in my lungs for me to survive. 

I suck in a deep breath, and keep my eyes locked with his, waiting.

His hand is still clasped in mine, and I hope that he won't let go, won't snatch it away in disgust.

His silence frightens me.

Say something, I urge him in my head.

Say something, please say something, anything. Your silence makes me so scared. Say something, because I'm dying here, staring into your eyes with no words being spoken. Say something and release me from this choke hold you seem to have me in with your piercing eyes. Say something, because I can't take this silence anymore. Say anything. Scream at me, tell me I'm a fool, tell me you hate me, I don't care, but please don't leave me here hanging with this silence that seems to be smothering me as I hold my breath in fear for what's coming next.

"I- I don't know what to say..." He stutters out.

This really isn't helping.

I poured my heart out for you. I told you the truth, something I'm not good at doing, so please, please don't break my heart. 

"How are you feeling?" I ask cautiously.

My hold on his hand tightens unintentionally and his gaze falls down to where our hands are clasped together.

I pray with everything in me that he doesn't pull his hand away.

And he doesn't. Instead, he squeezes my hand in this almost reassuring way.

"Happy." He finally answers.

I can't help but stare at him, startled speechless by his answer to my question. Of everything I was expecting him to say, happy wasn't in that list.

"You....You're happy?" I ask, surprised.

He nods, and one of his signature wide ass grins that make me swoon appears on his face. "Mhm."

"Why?" I ask.

"Because," he starts, removing his hand from mine.

My first thought is that my hand feels cold and empty without his in it.

I'm practically holding my breath, nervously awaiting his answer.

Oliver reaches up, and he cups my cheek with his warm hand. He takes a few steps forward, until our faces are merely inches apart.

If I move, our lips will surely touch, and maybe that's not a bad thing, but I don't know what the hell he's doing, what he wants with me.

He stares directly into my eyes, and there's this intense, unrecognizable look in his eyes that I can't decipher.

"Kellin," he breathes in deeply, and the next words he says make my heart stop. "I love you too."

I stare at him.

I blink a few times, because no, no, this can't be real. People don't love me back. They just don't.

But...he does. Oliver does.

"Fuck," I swear, and tears spring to my eyes. "You-you mean it? You really love me?"

Oliver looks at me, his eyes shining, and I think maybe I know what that look I couldn't figure out is. 

Love.

"I mean it, Kells. I love you, God, I am so in love with you it's unbelievable."

I let out a laugh, a laugh of relief, and a laugh of pure joy, and a laugh expressing all the emotions I'm unable to show all at once.

More tears well up in my eyes.

Oliver's fingers wipe them away. "Why are you crying?" He asks, as if worried he might have done something wrong.

"I don't- I don't know." I admit, voice shaky. "I'm...I'm happy, so damn happy, and I'm scared, but I'm hopeful, so full of hope."

"Why are you scared?" He asks softly, fingers gently caressing the side of my face.

I lean into his touch.

"What if you change your mind? What if...What if you decide that you don't love me?" 

Oliver gives me a look, one that's soft, and gentle. "Darling," he says, "how I feel about you will never change."

My heart jumps around in my chest. His words are sweet, but I know from experience how easily feelings can change.

But I won't say anything. This moment, it's too perfect, and I'm not going to ruin it with my irrelevant doubts.

I'm not.

But I do.

Because these feelings, they won't go away. But I can't say the same for Oliver.

"Oliver...you don't know that." I say. "Six months ago, I was head over heels in love with Vic. Now, I'm not. So much can change in so little time."

"You never have to worry, Kells." Oliver tells me. "Your feelings for Vic, they went away because you met me?"

I nod, cursing the blush that tints my cheeks. "Vic...He didn't...we didn't talk anymore. I felt like I barely knew him. But I had you,and every day we got closer, my feelings for him begun to fade, and dwindle down more and more."

A cheesy grin appears on Oliver's face. "Sorry, I'm just not used to this. To you loving me."

I smile. "Get used to it."

"I don't think I ever will." Oliver says. "You've got to know that how I feel about you, it's not going to change, not any time soon. I can't say anything about the future, because you never know what might happen, but right here, right now, I am in love with you. What happened with you and Vic, it won't happen with us. I am not going to push you away. You won't have the chance to find someone else to fill the holes I leave empty, because I will never leave. I'm here, forever, if you want me to be."

Nothing is perfect. I know this, but it's damn well near close. I know many things can change. One day, there's a possibility that Oliver and I will fall out of love. While I can't imagine that ever happening, the future is unforeseeable. 

Hopefully Oliver and I will stay in love. Forever. But I can't focus on all that stuff. I have to live in the now. And I plan on doing exactly that.

Because the now is great. There's no point in worrying about the what ifs and the endless possibilities of what could happen in the future. Why worry about all those things when I can be content with the things right in front of me? Starting with this boy, Oliver.

My eyes flicker down to his lips, and his eyes track the movement, a smirk appearing on his lips.

"Kiss me." I request, but it's more of a demand.

I need to kiss him. I need to feel this, to know it's real in every way.

Oliver's hand cradles my face, his other grabbing me by the hip and pulling me against him. 

He looks into my eyes, and I see so much emotion there it makes me feel overwhelmed.

He kisses me.

This is bliss, that's what it is.

His lips capture mine, and he kisses me ferociously, like I am something rare. Our lips move together in sync, and when his tongue prodes at my bottom lip, I open my mouth and allow him access. Our tongues twine together, doing a dance.

Oliver is only the third person I've ever kissed. The first was when I was in the seventh grade (with a girl named Katelynne), the second was Vic months ago at that party, and now, Oliver.

Oliver is by far the best.

He backs me up against the wall, and I wrap my arms around his neck, tangle my fingers in his hair, and kiss him like he is the only thing I need, the air in my lungs.

At first, we kiss slowly. It's a normal kiss really, though it's still amazing, but after a while it turns into a full blown make out session which I can't say I mind.

Oliver's fingers press into the soft skin exposed where my shirt rides up. 

This is good, so fucking good.

It's intense, something I'm not sure I'm ready for, so I pull away after a while.

"I love you." I whisper.

Oliver tucks a piece of hair behind my ear. "And I love you."

Things are perfect right now, but not for long. There's still a lot to be discussed, and a lot to sort out.

But that, it can all happen another day.


	15. Chapter 15

THURSDAY

For a while, everything is perfect, and by for a while, I mean for the rest of Tuesday and Wednesday.

Now it's Thursday.

The clock on my nightstand flashes with the time 5:08 PM.

The sky is dark, and gloomy outside. 

It started to snow only an hour ago. It's dark, and beautiful. I love the snow.

Oliver and I lay on my bed. My head rests on his chest, my body curled into his, while his fingers card through my hair in gentle movements that make me start to doze off.

I love this. I love the cuddling, the laying next to each other, peaceful. Happy, and content to do nothing but be in one another's presence. 

But most of all, I love the cuddling.

Oliver and I...we're not dating. At least, not yet. I don't know what we are. We're more than friends but we're not lovers.

He hasn't asked me to be his boyfriend, and I haven't asked him. As of now, we're just two people in love.

We kiss, we hold hands, we cuddle and hug, and we say I love you. We do everything couples do, but we aren't one.

I don't mind. 

I mean, maybe a little. Sure, I'd like that, the confirmation, being able to say Oliver is my boyfriend. For some reason even though I know he loves me, I still don't have the courage to ask him out officially.

But it's not all that big of a deal. After all, even though we're not official, I know that Oliver is mine, only mine, and I am his.

School was frustrating today.

Random people kept staring at us when we were acting all cuddly. Quite a few approached us and asked if we were gay. I am, but it stills bothers me that people think they can just assume/ask that. 

They were also asking about the whole Vic and I kissing incident on Monday. I ignored them. That was a mistake. 

It's none of their business really. I mean, they have a right to be curious, but you don't see me going up to a boy and girl who seem couple like and asking them if they're straight.

I don't see why it matters what we are.

In all honesty, I don't know what Oliver is. I haven't asked him. It's nice to know, yeah, but it's not important. He loves me, and that's enough.

Unfortunately, Vic barely talked to me today.

It made me feel bad that he was ignoring me, but I can't blame him or be mad at him. I did a shitty thing to him, there's no denying that, and if he needs to distance himself from me, then that's okay. He has to do what's best for him.

I wish he wouldn't ignore me completely, but I understand how he feels, or at least I get the jist of it, considering I was in unrequited love with him for nearly four years.

That's not to say I don't miss him, because I do. I just got him back, and now it's like I'm losing him all over again.

It's hard, but I'll be okay. Maybe one day we'll be how we used to be.

It might take a while, but I'd wait forever for him.

Since Oliver and I have become whatever we are, things have been close to perfect. I am happy, or as close to happy as I can get.

I'm still cutting, but Oliver doesn't need to know about that. I promised myself I would stop long ago, but I can't. I'm beginning to think I have a problem.

I know cutting is a problem, but I thought I would be able to stop it if I put my mind to it. I've never wanted to stop before, because the blade gave me life, made me feel alive. If I didn't do it, I'd feel as good as dead.

Now I want to stop. 

But I can't.

Oliver would be so upset if he found out, so I've made it my sole mission to make sure he never finds out.

Oliver and I have a lot left to talk about, but I'm too scared to bring it up, or ask him anything, because what we have right now is so perfect, and I don't want to ruin this bubble of perfection we have going on.

But apparently Oliver has the same thoughts and he has the courage to break this bubble.

"Kells?"

"Hmm?" I murmur from my place snuggled into his chest, lost in my own mind.

"We should talk." He says.

Those words usually don't mean anything good is about to happen and they make my heart race faster in fear.

I look up, so that our faces are right next to each other and I can look him in the eyes when we talk. "About what?"

"Lots of things. It's nothing bad, I promise."

I feel all the tension leave my body when he says that. Even though he tells me repeatedly that he's not going to leave, I'm still scared that something will happen, that he'll change his mind about us, about me.

"Okay, what is it?" I ask.

"We need to talk about Monday. You kissed Vic, I saw it. Everybody has been asking about it, and I'm curious about it too.So what happened between you and him?" 

I almost laugh at the note of jealousy laced throughout his words.

"Are you jealous?" I tease.

He grabs my hand, holds it. "A little bit." He admits.

"Why?"

"Because...you loved him."

"I know. But I don't anymore. I love you."

He nods. "I know. But you'll always have feelings left over for him, won't you?"

"Probably." I agree. "He was my everything for so long. Something like that, it can fade, but I don't think it ever goes away completely."

"I figured. Which is why I want to know what happened Monday between you two. If you're okay with telling me."

"I am." I say. "Okay. So, Sunday I invited Vic over to hangout but really I wanted to ask him about some things. By some things I mean how he kissed me at that party months ago. So I asked him, and he ended up admitting that he's in love with me."

Oliver pauses. "He's in love with you? What- what did you say?"

"He- yeah. He's in love with me, and I...I kissed him. I thought I still loved him, but when I kissed him, I kept wishing it was you so I panicked and I ran away."

"And Monday?" Oliver prompts.

"First period, Vic kept asking me questions about what had happened the night before, why I ran away, and I wasn't ready to answer them so I basically ditched class and hid in the bathroom. Which is where I saw- well, you know." I swallow, it's hard to talk about Danielle and Oliver being together. It's something I like to pretend didn't happen.

I continue. "I freaked out, really. I bolted out of there, and locked myself in a Janitor's closet. I- I had a small breakdown. I cried, felt really pathetic. But then I was angry, I was angry, and in the heat of the moment, I left the Janitor's closet, found Vic, and kissed him in front of everybody. I told him I loved him, and he convinced me to ditch school with him. I- I ended up feeling really damn guilty, because I was lying to him. He thought I loved him, but it was all a lie. So, I told him the truth. He somehow knew I have feelings for you- and that was pretty much it. We talked a little more, but. Now he's not talking to me, and although it bothers me, I know I've got to give him some space."

"Why did you tell him you loved him if you didn't?" Oliver asks, not in a judgemental way, but just natural curiosity.

"I was mad." I explain. "I was so pissed off because of what I saw in that bathroom. I was hurt, and I transformed it all into anger. I kept thinking Oliver might not want me, but Vic does. So I kissed him. I kissed him because I needed someone, anyone. I couldn't have you, but I could have Vic. He loved me, and I knew that and I took advantage of it. I thought everything would be okay. I thought my feelings for him would eventually all come rushing back, but they didn't. Because those feelings don't exist anymore. When I realized that, I just felt guilty, because I had given him all this hope, but none of it was real."

Once I'm done with my story, Oliver sighs.

"I hate Vic, you know that, but even I feel bad for him. I don't blame you, I know you didn't intend to hurt him, but still, he must be feeling pretty shitty." Oliver says.

"You feel bad for him? Says the guy who fucked his girlfriend." I remark, unable to keep the bitterness out of my voice.

Oliver gives me an apologetic look. "I never really told you what happened with her and I, did I?"

"No." I say. "You didn't. Though I'm not sure I want to know."

"Not like that." Oliver says. "I know you don't want to hear about that stuff. But I should tell you, if you want to know?"

"I do." I say.

As long as it's not about their sex, then I'm okay with it. But I really don't need any more detail than what I already got when I walked in on them.

"I want to know why. Why, of all the people in our school, did you choose her." 

Oliver shrugs. "I was feeling pretty down. I felt hopeless. As far as I knew, you were still into Vic, and I had no chance. Danielle had been eying me up since the moment I met her. I was trying to get over you, I didn't really care who it was with. She offered, I accepted. It's not because of any specific reason. She was an easy fuck, to put it simply."

I sigh. "I wish it wasn't her, but there's nothing I can do. What's done is done."

"I know. I'm so sorry, Kells." Oliver apologizes. "If I could go back and change it, undo it, I would. I never meant to hurt you. Never. I would never hurt you intentionally."

I nod, knowing he's telling the truth. It's hard, I'll admit, knowing my boyfrie- my whatever, slept with the girl I despise but what has happened, happened. There's no use in being upset about something that has already been done, something unchangeable.

"I know." I say. "I'm sorry too. For avoiding you, running away from my problems, and most of all, kissing Vic in front of you."

"It did hurt." Oliver admits. "It hurt real bad, but it's nothing compared to the fact that you walked on me fucking someone else. That must have been horrible. I don't care now, I don't. Because I've got you now. You're mine."

"I'm yours," I agree with a grin.

A realization dawns on me."Wait, so this girl you talked to me about, the one I gave you advice about. This girl you were in love with was...?"

"You." Oliver says with a smile. "It was you. I'm surprised you didn't figure it out. I was pretty obvious."

"You weren't." I deny. "You weren't obvious at all. I had no clue."

"Yeah," Oliver says. "But that's because you're an oblivious little shit."

"I just don't like to get my hopes up. I've done it way too many times in the past and in the end all it leads to is disappointment." 

"I'll never disappoint you." Oliver tells me.

I smile. "I believe you."

It's hard, but I will always believe you. You better keep your word.

I think back to all the things he said about her. All the great things.

"'Every time I'm near her I just want to lean down and kiss her.'" I quote.

What looks like the start of a blush makes it's way onto Oliver's face.

I laugh. "Are you blushing?"

"No." Oliver denies, and then sarcastically, "It's hot in here."

"Well, duh, what do you expect when I'm here?" I tease.

"It's getting hot in here, so take off all your clothes." Oliver sings.

I smirk, and do something I know will be unexpected and shock the hell out of him.

I sit up, lift my shirt up over my head, and throw it across the room. Then I lay back down.

Oliver looks at me, shocked. His eyes travel down my body, and stop to linger on my chest.

I resist the urge to cover myself. This whole idea, it was all sort of impulsive. Yes, I didn't stop to think about the fact that I am self conscious as fuck about my body.

I'm not toned or anything, no muscles, not that I want any. My body is pretty normal, a bit too skinny for my liking, and too curvy in the upper body and waist. Curvy isn't something I want to be. Isn't it only girls who are supposed to get curves? I don't know, but I've got them.

Oliver...seems to like my body. His eyes take in every detail, and knowing he likes what he sees, I start to feel less insecure.

For a second I panic as I remember my cuts but...

It's a good thing I decided to wear a lot of bracelets today otherwise my cuts would be out and exposed at this very moment.

"You should probably put your shirt back on." Oliver suggests, though I get the feeling he doesn't mean what he says.

"Why's that?" I ask.

His eyes meet mine. "Because there are so many things I want to do to you right now that I don't think you're ready for."

His words go straight to my crotch, and fuck, now I'm turned on.

He's probably right. What he wants, I'm probably not ready for it yet, but that doesn't mean I can't have some fun with him.

I straddle him, my legs on either side of his.

I lean down, my hair falling in my face.

Our faces are inches apart.

Oliver's eyes darken as he looks at me, and I see his eyes flicker down to my lips.

"Fuck, Kells, you're torturing me here." He groans out.

"What do you want to do to me?" I ask, my voice oddly seductive.

"I wanna wreck you." His voice gets husky.

I shiver, feeling myself harden in ny jeans.

"Then do it." I whisper.

Oliver's hand on the back of my neck pulls me down so that our lips meet.

I move my lips against his, and he pushes harder, deepens the kiss.

His fingers tangle themselves in my hair, and I groan in a mix of pleasure and pain as he tugs on the locks.

His lips are soft against my own, and fuck, he tastes like everything I've ever wanted.

Suddenly I feel very bare, and he is too clothed. 

I lean back, sitting up, and tug on the hem of his shirt. He seems to get the idea, and sits up, myself still placed on his lap, and pulls his shirt over his head, tossing it onto the floor.

He lays back down and I follow. Our lips reconnect and I lie my hands on his chest, feeling his body, the way his muscles flex as he leans up into my kiss.

I don't think, push all thoughts from my head. I might not be ready to go too far, but this, this I am okay with.

Oliver's hands go to rest on my hips, and his fingers dip down under my jeans and the elastic of my boxers.

His hands cup my ass, and fuck, this is strange. It's weird, so different, new, but I like it. I love it.

I don't even think about it when I grind myself down against him. He lets out a groan, and I feel the hardness of his cock poking me through the material of his jeans.

I do it again, harder this time.

He lets out another moan, and uses his hands on my ass to push me down so that I'm grinding against him even harder.

"Fuck." He moans.

His hand moves, dips into the front of my jeans, and he grasps my cock.

I gasp at the feeling, instantly bucking my hips up into his touch.

He strokes me, and it is the best thing I have ever felt.

Oliver goes to tug my jeans down, but then he stops, removes his hands and pulls away from our heated kiss.

He pulls me down off of his lap, and lays me down so that I'm lying besides him.

I stare at him in confusion, panting.

"I don't think you're ready for that, for us to go any farther." He says.

I huff, knowing he's probably right, but that doesn't mean I have to agree with him.

"What if I am?" I challenge.

"You're not." Oliver says instantly, knowingly.

"You're so mean." I say, though there's no bite in my voice.

"Not mean, just right." Oliver corrects me. 

"I think you're pretty mean when you just leave me hanging here. I mean, come on." I gesture down at the obvious bump in my jeans with a blush, "I'm so turned on it hurts "

Oliver laughs. "You get coruageous when you're horny."

I don't respond, instead simply pouting.

"I'm pretty turned on right now too." Oliver says. " But you're innocent. I want you to stay that way, at least for a little while. Besides, I don't want to rush things."

"What makes you think I'm so innocent?" I ask with annoyance.

I flop my head back onto the pillow, staring at the ceiling.

Being innocent isn't a bad thing, but it is pretty annoying when your boyfrie- your whatever denies you sex and leaves you with a raging boner because he thinks you're 'too innocent.'

Oliver turns my head so that I'm looking at him.

"I don't think, I know."

"You know nothing." I tell him, though it's mostly a lie. He knows nearly everything.

Oliver raises an eyebrow. "Okay, Mr, Badboy, what have you done that makes you uninnocent?"

"First of all, uninnocent isn't a word. Second, I don't know, what kind of things are we talking about?"

"Sexual things." Oliver says simply.

It's pretty bad, and pretty obvious you're an innocent little shit when you blush at the use of the word 'sexual.'

What am I, five?

"Um..." I drag on.

I rake my mind for all the things I've done, and hmm...who am I kidding? I haven't done anything.

Oliver smirks. "See."

I huff. "Maybe I'm having a difficult time recalling all the things I've done because there's so many."

Lie, lie, liar.

"Mhm." Oliver says. "I'm sure that's it."

"Shut up. I've done stuff." 

Lie. Lie. Lie.

Why am I lying? Oh, I don't know, maybe because it's pretty embarrassing to be eighteen and never have done anything while your boyfrie- whatever of the same age, has done a ton of shit.

"Like what?"

"Stuff."

"Okay, handjobs?"

My cheeks heat up. "Totally."

Oliver laughs. "Who?"

"A person." I say, desperately holding back laughter.

Oliver snickers. "Yeah, okay. How about blowjobs?"

"Mhm, yup." I lie.

"Okay, who?"

An idea pops into my head.

"You?"

Oliver snorts. "We haven't done blowjobs silly. And why is that a question?"

"Because it is one." I waggle my eyebrows. "Wanna make it something we've done?"

Oliver grins, and leans in to peck me on the lips. "Of course. But not today. Now admit you're my innocent little boy."

"Liitle boy?" I ask. "Got a kink I should know about?"

Oliver smirks. "Totally. I secretly want you to call me Daddy."

I grin and lean in so that my face is close to his. I bite my lip in what I hope is a sexy manner, and say, "Okay, Daddy."

Oliver groans, hitting his head against my shoulder. 

"Stopppp." He whines.

"Why?" I ask.

"Because, that was hot. Way too hot, and my boner just went away."

I sneak my hand down to the front of his jeans and cup his crotch. "I can make it come back." I say lowly.

Oliver's hand covers my own, and removes it. "As much as I'd like that, no thanks."

I pout. "You're no fun."

Oliver sticks his tongue out at me. "What have I turned you into? You're suddenly like a little sex demon."

I shrug. "Your fault. You made me horny."

"I regret that."

"Whatever you say, Daddy. "

"Fuck you."

"Please do."


	16. Chapter 16

A/N: Okay this is a short chapter. Kind of a filler? The next one should be longer. Anyway, enjoy the chaper :) xx

 

FRIDAY

Everything is perfect, at least at the moment, but nothing stays that way forever.

Things change and I know it. I know it, and I hate it.

He kisses me like I am perfection. I am the delicate flower that he can't wait to destroy.

He'll destroy me, but not in the bad way.

Destruction; the kind I will love.

Oliver will take care of me. He will hold me, and keep me safe.

He is the best person I know. He cares about me in the way no one else ever has.

To him, I am a gem, and he will protect me with his life, keep me from harm.

A gem with scratches, with imperfections, with flaws, it no longer holds the value it once did.

Tainted, that's what it is.

He can protect me from physical danger, but he can't save me from the demons in my head, the darkest, coldest parts of my mind.

He can't heal me. He is not superhuman. 

His love, his love makes me feel warm, wanted, and important. It makes me happy for what must be the first time in years.

But it does not make me okay 

Contrary to belief, love does not fix everything.

Not even me.

I believe him now when he says he won't leave. Mostly.

He'll stay, he's certain, and I want to be too.

But I can't.

There are years of trust issues, of betrayal, and one promise, no matter how much he means it, can't change all that.

Doubts. Uncertainties.

But no matter what, he's my hope.

I said it months ago, back when I'd just met him, when all I knew was his name. I didn't know what he would become, what we would become. I didn't understand the importance, the impact he would have on my life. But even then, he was my hope.

Then I fell in love with him, and he was still my hope. Even though I didn't believe he loved me, he still meant everything.

Now. I'm in love with him, and he loves me too. He adores me, and he is my hope.

He's my hope for a brighter future.

Hope for life.

For love.

To live.

But hope fades. It fades, and it comes and goes in bouts. Right now, all hope is gone, lost, and so am I.

It's nearly midnight.

I didn't go to school today. I couldn't, wouldn't. I woke up and my mind was a mess, scattered about.

Just like hope, depression comes and goes. 

It's always there. It's permanent. But at times I feel I will be alright, that I will find a purpose to live, like life...everything, will be okay.

Today is not one of those days.

When I woke, my head was aching like a bitch. A migraine, that's what it was.

I texted Oliver.

'Not coming today' I sent.

He sent me many texts, worried, asking why, if I was okay, but I ignored every single one of them.

I get so disconnected.

I break off the edge of the world, it seems. Sometimes  I need space, I need to be alone. I need silence. I need to be left alone with my thoughts. They consume me.

Sometimes I can't talk about it, because it hurts too much. Oliver, he understands how I feel better than anyone, but I think it's different with everyone and even he doesn't truly understand.

I block people out. Maybe it's not good, not healthy, but it's what I do, and have done forever, and will continue to do in the future.

I'm a mess.

Oliver is probably worried sick about me right now, and here I am, sitting on the edge of the cliff I attempted to jump from once again.

My legs dangle off the edge.

It's cold. So damn cold. Snowflakes fall down on me, melting upon contact with my skin.

It's cold, but I'm sort of immune to it.

I roll my sleeve up, blade clenched tightly in my fist.

The water below me crashes and spills together viciously. Rough, and violent. Just like me.

My scars, they are beautiful.

No, they're not. They're hideous, and each time I look at them, I am reminded of what a monster I am. A psychopath who carves into his own skin.

But, just as they are ugly, they are also undeniably beautiful.

The scars, lines, they are beautiful in my sick, twisted, mess of a mind.

Beautiful.

And the only logical choice is to make more.

Right? 

Right.

I brush the blade over my skin lightly. Then I do it harder, with intent, and the skin breaks.

Blood seeps up to the surface of my skin.

I make another.

And another.

I make more and more until I lose count, until I've done over a dozen.

There's so much blood. I've cut a lot in my life, but for some reason, I seem to be bleeding more this time.

I don't think I've ever done this many cuts at one time before.

It's so fucking ugly.

Frustration consumes me and the urge to throw myself off this cliff is stronger than anything I've ever felt before. Stronger than the love I have for Oliver.

I could get it over with...

So easy. It would be so easy.

I could get it over with. Chances are I'd die at the impact of hitting my head on the rocks below at the shore.

But no.

I make a few more, watch the blood drip down my wrist, falling on my jeans.

Good thing they're black.

Not tonight. 

Tonight isn't the night. There's something holding me back, saying no. This isn't the right time.

But maybe soon it will be.


	17. Chapter 17

ONE WEEK LATER, FRIDAY

The night I disappeared off the face of the earth for a day is one Oliver refuses to forget about. 

He's still nagging me, asking if something happened. I told him nothing happened, that I wasn't feeling good and my phone died before I got to text him back. 

He didn't believe me, but oh well. He'll never get the truth out of me. Not in a million years.

Things have been going good in our relationship. Nearly perfect, and I've found myself waiting for shit to happen, for this happiness to fade.

I hope it won't.

Vic still isn't talking to me.

To say I'm shocked when a week and a half after all the events with Vic went down, he decides to start talking to me once again in the middle of the hallway before seventh period, would be an understatement.

I'm walking down the hallway to my seventh period class which is just around the corner when I hear footsteps coming up behind me, and feel a tap on my shoulder.

I turn around, and almost drop my books when I see who it is.

Vic.

"Vic..." I say somewhat awkwardly. "Hi."

"Kellin." He greets, shifting from foot to foot. "Can we talk? In private, maybe?"

I nod. "Yeah okay."

Might as well. I was looking for an out for seventh period anyway. 

Vic looks around for a second before he grabs me by the hand and pulls me into an empty classroom.

"Isn't a class going to start here?" I ask.

"Nah, the teacher is out sick and they couldn't find a substitute, so. As far as I know, it'll remain unoccupied. Other than us, that is."

I take note of the nervousness in his voice.

"So..." I start. "What did you want to talk to me about?"

I set my books down on one of the desks, and hop up so that I can sit on it.

Vic takes a seat on the desk next to me. "Us. Everything, really."

"You've gotta be more specific." I joke, hoping to lighten the mood.

"Well," he starts. "What you did last week really hurt me. I was heartbroken, because...Well you know I have feelings for you. I know you didn't mean to hurt me, at least I don't think you did, and I've forgiven you, if only because I miss my best friend."

I smile.

Relief floods through me at his words. I was beginning to worry that he would never forgive me, that our friendship would be truly over.

God, he's such a good person. If I was him, I wouldn't forgive myself. I say that.

"I'm so happy you've forgiven me, though you probably shouldn't. I'm a horrible person for doing that. I didn't mean to hurt you, but I did because I was being selfish and only thinking of myself, and my feelings."

I anxiously swing my legs back and forth against the desk.

"You're not a horrible person. Yeah, you shouldn't have lead me on, but everyone makes mistakes. I could go on hating you and suffer because not only would I be losing my best friend, but I'd be pushing away the one person who truly understands me. Or I can forgive you. Forgive and forget, and move on."

"You're a good person." I tell him. "Too good."

Vic smiles, yet there's a sadness in it. "Only with you."

I shake my head. "You're nice to everyone. Not just me."

"Probably." Vic agrees. "It's just my nature. But, you're my weakness."

"You're mine too." I admit.

It's the truth. Vic will always be my weakness.

"So." Vic coughs. "You and Oliver? You're, uhm, you're together now?"

It's only natural for him to be curious but I feel hesitation to talk about my and Oliver's relationship. I don't want to say anything that could hurt or possibly upset Vic.

I'm whatever I am with Oliver, but I don't want to rub it in his face.

I decide to just be truthful. I won't reveal everything, but I'm not going to let things change between us. Vic is my best friend. Just because he has feelings for me doesn't mean I'm going to start acting differently. I know I would hate it if Vic did that if the roles were reversed.

"Yeah." I say. "We're, uh, we're together."

"You're dating? When did that happen?" 

Vic doesn't seem to be upset or bothered by our discussion, then again he could be hiding it. Nonetheless, I start to relax more.

"Well. We're not exactly dating." I tell him awkwardly.

"What do you mean?" He asks, that adorably confused expression on his face.

"I don't know." I admit. "I love him, he loves me. It happened last week. I just kind of told him, then he surprised me by saying he reciprocates those feelings. But we never really made anything official. We do couple-like things, but we're not one? I don't know, he never asked me."

Honestly it's pretty hard to explain the situation when I can barely understand it myself. Oliver and I, we're not dating, but we are. It's all very confusing.

"Did you ever think maybe he just assumed that you two are a couple now?"

I hadn't really thought of that, stupid me.

I shrug. "Maybe."

"Either that or...Well I'm not suggesting anything but it could be a bad sign."

"What do you mean?" I ask.

If it weren't for the fact that I know Vic better than myself, I'd think he was trying to plant lies in my head. But I know Vic, and I trust him. He's not like that.

"Well, maybe he's not committing because if he doesn't, he's still a 'free' man. If he does make it official, he has to stay loyal to only you." Vic suggests.

"No." I deny almost immediately. "Oliver isn't like that. He loves me."

Vic raises his hands up in fake surrender. "It was just a suggestion. I don't really know Oliver to say anything about him anyway. Don't worry, I doubt that's the reason. He loves you, I can tell."

Vic's words comfort me but.

There's an edge of doubt creeping into my mind. Could it be true?

I change the subject to distract myself.

"So..." I start. "Are you and Dani...?"

"No. No. Never again." Vic says angrily. "She...she cheated on me."

"Wait...You know about that?" I ask, shocked.

How did he find out about Oliver and Danielle?

"Of course. I walked in on her with Tony Perry of all people!"

Wait.

Tony?

I thought he somehow knew about Oliver.

"How do you know about that?" He asks suspiciously.

"Uh- I..." I stutter. "I didn't."

"Then what were you talking about?" Vic asks, raising an eyebrow.

"Oliver." I blurt out not knowing what else to say.

"What about him?"

"He and Danielle....they, well, they fucked." I say somewhat bluntly.

"What?!" Vic practically shouts.

"I'm sorry!" I apologize even though I'm not at fault here..

"That's so fucked up." Vic says, voice cold.

"What? Why are you mad? Didn't you break up with her?"

"I did." Vic tells me. "I don't feel anything for her but it still pisses me off that in only a month she cheated on me twice. I kissed you, yeah, but I was about to break up with her. I felt horrible for even doing that, but maybe I shouldn't if she was doing that the whole time we were dating. And what about Oliver? Why would he sleep with her if he's head over heels for you?"

I sigh. "A couple weeks ago Oliver told me he was in love with this girl but she didn't feel the same way. My advice to him was to get over her. Turns out this 'girl' was me. I guess his method of getting over someone is fucking random people."

I can't help the bitterness in my voice. I'm not still mad about it, not really, but I can't say that the thought of it doesn't still bother me. Because it does. I will forever loathe her for taking every boy I have ever loved.

"Why Dani? Oliver's a good-looking guy. I'm sure many girls throw themselves at him."

"I don't think there was a specific reason that it was her. Coincidental, I assume? He told me she offered and he accepted because he figured he'd take my advice."

We're silent for a while, before Vic's voice breaks the silence and he sounds unusually vulnerable, fragile. "You don't- you don't think she was cheating on me the whole time, do you?"

I hesitate. In all honesty, yes, I believe she probably was. But the look in Vic's eyes, I don't know if I want to tell him that. Do I really want to break him even more?

Vic must sense my hesitation. "Kellin, just tell me your honest opinion. Please."

"Yes." I admit. "Yes, I never liked her. She was never good enough for you. I loved you, yes, but that had nothing to do with it. She isn't a good person, and even back then I could tell. So yes, I think she probably was."

A frown appears on his face, and he looks down at the ground. I can tell he's hurt. I didn't want to tell him, though I'm sure he already knew the answer. He obviously had assumptions if he asked the question. Just because he's my best friend doesn't mean I have to try to sugar coat everything for him, which I can't help but do. Sometimes there's no possible way to spare someone's feelings.

"I loved her, I really did, you know?" Vic speaks, a deep sadness in his words.

I loved you, I really did.

"I know you did."

Of course I know. How could I not? I watched you kiss her, parade her around on your arm and tell her you loved her for years. It hurt. Of course I do know. Because even then I could see the love in your eyes when you looked at her. It was a love I wanted, a love you didn't feel for me. At least, not until too late.

"Some things just aren't meant to be." I tell him.

Like you and I.

But that's okay, because I think I've found the love of my life. I will forever be grateful for the pain of loving you because in the end, it was all worth it. It lead me to Oliver.

"I guess you're right." He agrees.

"I always am." I joke.

"Yeah." Vic says softly. "You kind of are."

I smile. "I missed you."

"I missed you too now let's stop being sappy." Vic says with a laugh.

"Let's be sappy, it makes you happy, don't feel crappy." I sing, making it up on the spot.

"Oh my God. You are such a dork." Vic says, coming over and throwing his arm around my shoulder.

"Your dork." I say, falling into my easy routine of teasing and flirting.

For a moment, just the slightest, Vic's smile falters, and I'm hit with the realization of how my words sounded. I'm not his, and he knows that. So why did I have to say that? Why'd I have to remind him?

"Sorry." I apologize quietly, directing my gaze at the ground.

Vic's fingers settle on my chin, and tilt my head up to look at him. The gesture, isn't one I should be sharing with a friend.

"Don't be." He tells me.

Our eyes meet, and I quickly avert them. It was only a second of eye contact, but there was so much emotion in his eyes I couldn't bare to see anymore.

It was too painful. He looked at me with such adoration that my stomach lurched in guilt.

I love Oliver. 

But I wish loving him didn't hurt Vic.

"I can't help it. I have a reason to be." I say.

"No, you don't." Vic denies. "You can't- you can't help that you don't feel the same way."

"I'm still sorry." I murmur, still avoiding his eyes.

"Why won't you look at me?" Vic asks sounding sad and frustrated.

I lift my head. "Because I'm deathly afraid of what I'll see there. In your eyes."

He frowns, voice goes soft. "Look at me." It's said pleadingly.

I look up at him, letting our eyes meet.

"Still afraid?" He asks.

"Yes." I admit.

"Why?"

"Because- because you look at me the way Oliver does." I respond honestly.

"I'm sorry." Vic says, and this time he's the one apologizing.

"Don't be." I say, mimicking what he said to me earlier.

"Can't help it."

It's funny how our roles have reversed. How he's the one apologizing, stealing all my lines.

"Why?"

He looks me directly in the eyes. "Because I love you. I don't want to, but I can't help it. And I keep making you feel guilty. I hate those looks of sympathy you give me, of pity. Don't pity me, please. It's the last thing I want."

Oh, this beautiful boy. My beautiful best friend. My heart aches for him, for the things I know he must feel. I'd do anything for him to not feel that way. 

"It's not sympathy. It's empathy. And Vic you can't expect me to not feel guilty. I broke your heart. I will always feel guilty for that, and for the fact that I moved on, that I didn't wait for you."

"You didn't...You didn't know. You thought I was straight, hell, I thought I was straight. You're happy now, Kellin. That is all that matters. You are happy, right? With Oliver?"

"Of course." I confirm, blushing at the way my voice gets sappy and dream like. "Oliver makes me happier than I've been in a long time."

My eyes flicker to the clock ticking on the wall and I jump off the desk I was seated on. 

"So...I guess we're never going to happen, are we?" Vic asks, a dim piece of hope in his voice.

I hate to ruin that hope, but it's for the best. Why give him unnecessary hope? 

"I don't....No. I don't think so."

Oliver is the only person I can imagine spending my life with. I know I'm young to be saying that, and I probably shouldn't be so optimistic about our future together, but. I've always held too much hope in my heart.

Then again, there is a chance Vic and I could happen. Feelings aren't permanent and I could very well fall in love with him again. But there's no using in saying that, in telling him that. Because nothing is for sure, and he can't wait around for something that might not even happen.

"I figured. Just, please, don't let my feelings get in the way of us, of our friendship."

"They won't." I promise. "Nothing can tear us apart. Ever. You are my best friend. I need you."

The bell rings, signaling it's time for eighth period. It sure didn't seem like my discussion with Vic was nearly fifty minutes, but I've never been good with time.

Vic surprises me by hugging me, tight.

I hug him back.

"You're the best friend I could ever ask for." He whispers in my ear.

I grin. "I know."


	18. Chapter 18

SATURDAY

One thing I can't forget about involving my conversation with Vic is his suggestion that maybe Oliver doesn't want to commit to me because then he'd have to be loyal.

I know the chances of that assumption being true are slim, but I can't get the thought out of my head, so I've decided to face it head on.

By confronting him, of course.

Oliver arrives at my house at two pm. My mother is at work.

So we're alone.

He knocks on the door and I open it. I pull him in, and the first thing I do once the door is shut, is kiss him.

I wrap my arms around his neck and let him back me up against the door.

His hands slide under my sweater to rest on my sides, and I flinch away at the coldness of his hands.

I pull away from our kiss. "Cold!" I exclaim. "What have you been doing? Shoving your hands in snow?"

Oliver laughs and pulls me back into his arms. "No. But I don't have gloves so."

"I'll warm you up." I murmur. I lift his hand up, and place kisses on each of his fingertips.

He smiles at me adoringly. "I missed you."

"You saw me yesterday."

"I always miss you." He tells me, arms wrapping around my waist.

I lay my head on his shoulder and breathe in the scent of his musky cologne.

"You're sweet." I tell him. 

He dips his head down, nuzzles his face into my neck. "For you. Always you."

I smile, and relax in his arms. 

I love this. This is my favorite thing in the world. The second is cuddling. I love this, being in his arms.

He's like this a lot now. He's still his teasing, cocky self, but he has a lot of these moments where he just holds me, tells me I am his world.

"You smell good." I say.

He grins into my neck. "I try."

I stay like that for a while, content in his grasp, our breaths aligning.

Suddenly I remember the reason I invited him over here in the first place. I can't help but get lost when I'm in his presence. The truth is that I am a lovesick fool.

"Oliver." I say.

"Hmm?" He asks.

"Why haven't you asked me out yet?" I blurt out.

There's no point in dancing around this. It's just a question, and I need an answer.

He pauses. "What do you mean?"

"You....Well you never asked me to be your boyfriend. Do you... not want me?" I can't help the trace of vulnerability that slips into my words.

Oliver pulls away to look me in the eyes. "Of course I want you. I always want you."

"Then...then why haven't you?"

Oliver laughs, and reaches for my hand. "Honestly, I thought we were already dating."

I let out a sigh of relief. Vic was right. I was being stupid. But it's not like I can help it. I can't help but doubt everything.

"You- we are?" I ask, surprised.

"I mean, I guess." Oliver says uncertainly. "Unless you don't want to? 

"No! No, I want to. I really really want to."

Oliver grins and gets down on one knee.

"What are you doing? Proposing?" I tease.

"Maybe." He says slyly.

"No!" I exclaim, looking down at him. "No! If you're going to propose, get the hell up."

He chuckles. "Don't worry. I'm not proposing, I swear." 

I sigh in relief.

Then, he adds all serious like. "I'm just going to give you a blowjob, silly."

My mouth falls open, and I stare at him in shock. "Really?"

"No."

"Wow." I say. "Such a tease."

Oliver grabs my hand, distracting me.

I look down at him.

"Will you be my boyfriend?" He asks softly.

Butterflies arise in my stomach.

"Of course." I agree. "I'm already yours."

Oliver gets up, cups my cheek. "Happy now?"

I nod. "I just wanted to be yours, and for you to be mine, and only mine."

"You have always been mine. And hopefully, you always will be. "

~

Oliver and I lay on my sofa, cuddled up underneath a duvet, and watching some romantic comedy on tv.

Oliver is lying down on his side, and I am laying next to him, my head resting on his chest. His arm is wrapped around me, holding me tight.

I'm pretty invested in the movie when Oliver speaks up.

"I... there's something I want to say, but I'm afraid to because there's a chance it might scare you away."

I turn around to face him, suddenly not giving a shit about the movie.

A part of me is scared of what he'll say, that it will be something bad, something horrible. But the other part of me, knows that no matter what, I will always stick by Oliver's side.

"You can tell me. I won't run away from you. Never." I assure him.

He hesitates. "I- Is it bad that I want to spend the rest of my life with you?"

My heart flutters at his words. For some reason, this seems like a confirmation that yes, he really does love me just as much as I love him.

"No. It's not." I say. "Because I feel the same way. I wanna spend my life with you too."

Though I'm not sure how long my life will last.

A beautiful smile appears on Oliver's face. "I'm not going to do it right now, but I think someday I'd really like to marry you."

I smile, too, and play with his hair. "That sounds good. More than good. Great. What do you think of children?"

"Love them. I want three. A girl, and two boys. Though to be honest, it doesn't really matter. I'll love them no matter what."

"That's funny." I say.

"Why's that?" Oliver asks, seeming confused.

"I've always wanted a girl and two boys too."

"Then I guess we really must be perfect for each other." Oliver whispers.

And I've never agreed more.

"I love you." I tell him, the words tumbling out of my mouth without a second thought.

"I love you too." He says. "More than you will ever know."

"I know we're young." I say. "And this all seems like a fairytale. I shouldn't be so hopeful. Because everything could turn to shit in the future. But all I know right now, is that I've never loved someone as much as I love you. Not even Vic."

It's all true. I loved Vic, I truly did. But I've realized there's a huge difference between loving someone and being with them, and loving someone and not being with them.

Vic was the reason I held on, the reason I lived. Maybe that wasn't healthy but he was the only person who made me feel like life was worth living. Life was worth living just to see his beautiful smile everyday, to hear the melodious sound of his laughter.

I loved him, but he wasn't mine. I couldn't kiss him, I couldn't hold his hand. I couldn't tell him how much he meant to me. I didn't have the reassurance of his voice telling me everything would be okay, that he loved me.

I lived for someone who wasn't mine, at least not in the sense I wanted. Vic always had my heart. All my heart. But I didn't have a piece of his. Not until it was too late, until I had stopped living for someone, until I had started trying to live for myself.

I'm not living for anyone now. In fact, I'm not even living for myself.

I'm alive because I don't want to lose Oliver. Because I want to spend my life with him.

But even that isn't enough. My love for him isn't enough to push away all the darkness that consumes me.

See, I'm getting off topic here.

All the stuff I didn't have with Vic, is what I have with Oliver. I have all that, and so much more. All those little things he does, the things he says, the looks of adoration he gives me, they make me love him more and more.

Oliver is mine. I know you can't own a person, but Oliver sure as hell owns my heart, and I'd like to say I own his too.

I'm almost certain he's the love of my life.

That's more than I will ever need.

"You get so lost in your own head." Oliver speaks, amusement throughout his words.

"Huh?" I ask.

Yeah, I guess I do get pretty lost. But only because of him.

"I was saying," Oliver starts. "That I love you, too. We're young, but that doesn't mean a thing. We're young, but we love each other and that is all that matters. And as we get older, our love for each other will only mature, deepen."

"I'm sure it will. But would it be incredibly cheesy of me to say that I can't imagine possibly loving you more than I do right now?" I ask.

Oliver smiles. "Yes, it is cheesy. But that's okay, because I feel the exact same way."

I simply grin, and cuddle myself closer to him.

"I don't think I knew what love was until I met you." Oliver says softly.

I look up at him. "What do you mean?"

"Before we met, I had only dated one person, had one serious relationship. I had a lot of hookups, which I'm sure you don't want to hear about, but I'd only ever been in one committed relationship."

"Well what happened?" I ask.

"It was a few years ago. We were fifteen. Her name was Hannah, and she was beautiful. I met her when we got partnered up for a science project. Sounds incredibly cliche, I know. Anyway, we began as friends, and our friendship escalated until finally, we became lovers. I fell in love with her. We were close as could be." Oliver tells me, a nostalgic look in his eyes.

"Then what?" I prompt him to continue.

For some reason, Oliver telling me about this girl, doesn't bother me as much as I expected it to. There's not really any jealousy there. 

I think maybe it's because I know that she is a part of his past, something that happened before he knew me. It'd be silly of me to get jealous over his ex girlfriend, just like it'd be stupid for him to be jealous of Vic and I's friendship.

All those feelings are in the past.

Vic is my past. Oliver is my future, and hopefully he feels the same way.

Though to be honest, I'm not sure I have a future.

"Well, our relationship lasted about a year. The only reason we broke up was because my family decided to move here from England. I thought I wouldn't be able to live without her. I had feelings for her, I'm sure of that. But I don't know if I would call it love anymore. It was more infatuation instead of love."

"Did you ever keep contact?" I ask curiously.

Oliver nods. "We still talk. She's one of my best friends. She's in a happy relationship now, and well, so am I."

"Does that mean I'm your first love?" I ask with a grin.

Oliver smiles. "Yeah, you're my first love."

An idea pops into my head. "You're not my first." I tell him. "But hopefully you'll be my last."

An adorable smile appears on Oliver's face and I can almost see him melt at my words.

"You're so damn cheesy." He comments, kissing me on the forehead. "A dork. That's what you are. It's a good thing I love you."

"I love you too." I respond. "Luckily for you."

"Lucky indeed. So damn lucky."

~

Two weeks later

One Monday evening in eighth period study hall, I am hit with the sudden realization that I still haven't introduced Oliver to my mother.

Suddenly it is all I want to do.

My head is resting on Oliver's shoulder, and I lift it to poke him in the side, gaining his attention.

He pulls the headphones out of his ears and turns to look at me.

"I just thought of something."

"What is it?"

"I want you to meet my mom." I say.

"Okay." Oliver agrees. "When?"

"Today?" I suggest. "You can walk home with me."

"Okay." Oliver nods. "Damn, you should have given me more notice."

"Why?"

"I need time to prepare. Now I'm nervous." Oliver says anxiously.

I rub his back. "It's okay. Trust me, she will love you."

"Sure about that?" He asks worriedly.

"Of course. I promise, she's going to love you." I assure him.

Just as much as I do.

"I'm not good at this." He says.

"Good at what?"

"Meeting parents."

"Well have you done it a lot?" I ask.

"Nope. Never."

"Well then." I say. "You'll never know if you never try."

"You make it sound so easy."

"Well I met your family with no problems."

"That's different." Oliver whines.

"How?"

"It just is."

"Mhm sure." I laugh.

"Shhh don't make me." He pleads.

I put on my innocent, puppy eyes. "Please? For me? It's been three weeks and I still haven't even told her yet."

Oliver glares at me. "Fine. But only because you're you, and you're cute."

~

Vic texts me as Oliver and I are walking to my house. Vic's been sick the last few days which is why he didn't come to school today.

V: Whatcha doing?

Me: walking home with Oliver. He's about to meet my mom for the first time.

V: good luck o.o

Me: heyyyy you don't think she'll like him?

V: she will. Probably. Maybe.

Me: rude. She loved you.

V: I was seven. Of course she loved me.

Me: -_-

V: she's going to be either overprotective as fuck, or crazily happy and shit.

Me: neither are good. Both are embarrassing.

V: for you? Or for Oliver? I hope he's prepared.

Me: he's so not.

~

"Mom!" I call out as Oliver and I step foot inside my house.

"Yes?" my mother, Jasmine, yells back from where I assume she's in the kitchen.

"I've got someone for you to meet."

"Coming!" She shouts.

Oliver grasp my hand in nervousness. I give him a reassuring squeeze.

A few seconds later, she's entering the room, and coming to a halt in front of us.

The first thing she notices are our hands which are locked together.

"Kellin, can I talk to you for a second?" She asks.

I nod, letting go of Oliver's hand and allowing her to drag me into the kitchen.

She closes the door behind us.

"Who is that?" She asks once the door is shut.

"Oliver." I answer vaguely.

"Why were you holding hands?" 

"Reasons." I respond.

I don't plan on telling her he's my boyfriend until we're all in the same room. 

Apparently she figures it out on her own.

"Is that your boyfriend?" She asks excitedly.

"Um...Yes?"

She grabs me by the shoulders, and pulls me into a hug before she start jumping up and down in excitement.

I roll my eyes at her actions.

"Oh my God!" She squeals. "My baby boy finally has his first boyfriend!"

"How did you know?" I ask curiously.

"You were holding hands." She points out like it's obvious.

"Friends can hold hands. I've held hands with Vic." I defend. I mean come on, we can't be that obvious. Can we?

"Yeah, but you were like completely in love with him."

"Mom." I say disapprovingly.

"What? You know it's true."

I give her a look, and she sighs.

"The way he looked at you." She says.

"What about it?"

"He adores you. He looked at you like you were his prey and he couldn't wait to eat you. But like, he also looked at you like you were a fucking diamond? I can't even."

I feel a blush darken my cheeks, and I cover my face with my hands. "Mom," I groan, embarrassed.

"What? I'm just saying, damn son, I like him already. I wish I had somebody look at me like that."

"Well, can you come meet him?" I ask.

"Of course." She says.

She opens the door and walks into the living room where Oliver is sitting on the sofa, looking anxious as fuck.

"So what's your name?" She asks him, even though I already told her.

He stands up. "Oliver."

"And you're my son's boyfriend, correct?" 

It's funny how she puts on a stern act.

"Yes, I am." He says, casting me a glance.

My mom is quiet for a moment before she asks, "do you love him?"

Oliver looks at me, his eyes softening. "I do...I love him very much."

My mother smiles. "Oh my God, I ship it so hard. What would your ship name be?"

"We already decided. It's either Koli or Koliver." Oliver speaks up.

"I need to go write fanfiction about this. It was nice to meet you, I can tell you'll make my son happy." She hugs him quickly before running out of the room, leaving Oliver and I alone.

"Sooo. Your mom is pretty weird. But I like her." Oliver says. 

I walk over to him, pecking him on the lips. "She's a fangirl."

"You think she likes me?" Oliver asks, wrapping his arm around my waist.

"Totally. I told you she would."

"I guess I should have believed you. After all, you're always right."

I ignore his sarcasm. "Duh. Of course I am."

Oliver gives me a fond look. "Love you."

"Love you too."

"Awww." I hear someone squeal.

Oliver and I turn around to see my mom peeking her head around the corner of the door, watching us.

"Sorry!" She apologizes, though she doesn't seem to mean it. "I just- you two are so cute together."

I grin. "I know."


	19. Chapter 19

A WEEK LATER, SUNDAY

My time has come to an end.

That sounds so dramatic, but. Everyone knows I've always had a flair for the dramatics.

To put it very simply, tonight is the night I wish to die.

Everything has been perfect. Oliver...He loves me. That is more than I could ever ask for, ever expected.

Vic and I, we're friends again. Best friends. 

Everything is going back to normal, and I've never been happier. But that happiness isn't enough to cover up the fact that with each day that passes I am slowly disintegrating.

Oliver makes me feel alive. More alive than anyone else has ever made me feel.

I love him to death, and I will love him, until my last dying breath. Literally.

Just like Oliver told me the night I met him, I cannot live for anyone but myself.

He said there was always a reason to live for myself. Maybe there is a reason for me to live.

I know there are. There are many reasons.

But I don't give a shit about any of them.

I want to die.

And nothing, no one, no reason, can make me not feel this way.

Nothing can stop me.

Oliver said I can't live for anyone.

Not even him.

So I won't.

I won't live for him, and I won't live for myself. I won't live for anyone, anything.

I won't live.

At all.

Oliver has no idea what I'm about to do.

He'll never understand the thoughts that are going through my mind right now.

I send him a text. 

One final text. 

Me: I love you so fucking much. You know that, right? Forever. I always will.

My phone dings with his reply.

Oliver: Love you too babe. More than you'll ever know. I love you too, so so much my darling. Always.

I smile.

It's a sad smile. 

A smile full of sadness, of fear of how Oliver will react when he finds out I'm gone. Dead. 

He'll be okay. He has to be.

Maybe it's weird how just a week ago I was happier than ever, how I felt so content with life.

But the thing is, one moment I can be happy. I can feel like everything is going to be alright. But the next, I realize how imperfect everything is, especially me. And then I dwell, I dwell on all the bad things in life, and suddenly life doesn't seem as appetizing as it once did. 

Oliver, Vic, my mother, they mean the world to me. But when I'm in this state, lost in all the horrible things that are wrong with this world, and myself, I can't seem to care that I'm leaving them behind.

I mean, I do. I feel bad about leaving them. I know the pain it will cause them.

But in the end, does it really even matter?

Everyone moves on eventually. Just like a break up, you forget and you go on with your life, and death is no exception.

So I know that they will too. They'll feel like nothing will ever be okay again, but it will.

And I am tired.

I am tired of feeling this way.

The people I love make me feel joy. But all that joy I feel disappears soon after. It never stays. It never lasts.

But you know what does stay? What haunts my every move, my every thought?

Depression. 

The sadness, the pain.

I don't want to feel pain like this anymore. If not for Oliver, I would have done this long ago.

The truth is, living has become a chore, and I struggle to make it through each day without slitting my wrists.

I grab the blade off of my nightstand, and sit up.

My plan?

I'm not sure.

To bleed out maybe.

I slide the blade across the fragile skin of my wrist. I let out a hiss of pain as my skin splits opens. 

Blood seeps up to the surface, and I admire it.

I create more and more until I start to feel dizzy.

I grab for the pills I have ready to take.

I hold the many pills in my hand, and gulp them down with numerous amounts of water.

How many did I take?

70 antidepressants, and 20 sleeping pills.

Is that a lot? Definitely.

Will it kill me? Hopefully.

I stopped taking the antidepressants Oliver gave me after about a month. They weren't working, and I was getting fed up. Oliver continued to give them to me, and I never told him I had stopped taking them. I got angry, and flushed them all down the toilet.

I rummaged through my mother and I's bathroom cabinet. And what did I find? A couple bottles of antidepressants. Apparently my mother takes them. I never would have expected that. She's always been so happy go lucky. Then again, maybe that's because the pills actually work for her. I'm glad she has those pills because it's a fortunate thing for me tonight.

I feel normal for a while. A bit dizzy, which I assume is from the blood loss.

After a few minutes I start to feel the side effects. My stomach aches horribly, and I clutch it, begging for the pain to stop.

I feel different this time. Last time, I was excited, and anticipation was coursing through my veins.

Now, all I feel is...nothing. I feel empty. It's like I am a robot, going through the motions.

Pain courses through my stomach. It feels like cramps, but worse, so much worse.

The dizziness gets more intense, and my vision starts to blur.

Is this death?

Am I dying?

I don't know.

Oliver, I love you.

The last thing I see are the separate suicide notes I left on my bed for the people I love.

My eyes start to slip shut, and then everything goes black.


	20. Chapter 20

A/N: Oh my God, this is the last chapter of my first chaptered fanfic. I can't believe it's over. The sequel should be up in about a week. Okay, this is going to be Kellin's suicide notes to people.

Dear Mom, 

I love you.

I want to say I'm sorry but I'm not. Not for this.

You have always supported me in everything I've ever done. I am more grateful than you will ever know.

Take good care of yourself.

You were the best mom I could ever wish for.

All this, it had nothing to do with you. I'm the person to blame. This is my fault. I'm sorry for the pain I have caused you.

This is something I've struggled with for a long time.

Keep moving forward.

Live your life.

Maybe one day, we'll meet again.

I love you,

Your son, Kellin xoxo

Dear Vic,

Hi. Or should I say goodbye?

Sorry. Now isn't the time for joking.

I don't really know what to say. I love you. You're my best friend, and I'll miss you.

Mourn me, Vic, but please move on. I have the feeling you will dwell on this. Don't.

I'm sure this will be quite a surprise to you. After all, I never told you I've been struggling with depression.

It's something I've hidden for a long time.

I never wanted to cause you any unnecessary worry.

Please take care of my mom for me. 

I love you. You're my best friend, and although we've had some hard times, I'm glad to be able to say you've stayed by my side throughout them all.

Kellin xoxo

Dear Oliver,

Fuck. 

This is honestly probably the hardest thing I have ever had to write in my entire life.

Oliver, I love you. So goddamn much. Remember that, okay? Don't forget about me. Please, never forget about me.

My worst fear is that you will forget about me. That I will become just another distant memory in your mind. I don't want to be a part of your past.

I wanted to be a part of your future. I wanted to be your whole future.

Oh Oliver, just think of the future we could have had together. 

I don't like to think about it. It reminds me that it's something I can't have, won't have.

In reality, it doesn't matter all that much. Soon I will be dead.

But I can't not think about it. Trust me, it's nearly impossible..

Three kids. One girl. I think I would have liked to name her Copeland, don't you like that name? 

I don't know what we would have named the boys. I've never been good with boys name. I guess you could have chosen them.

We could have went to college. I would have went for music. You know it's my one true talent.

Then when we graduated, we'd find jobs and buy a house together. 

We could have gotten married.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry that by doing this I have taken that all away from you. I stole our future together away. 

I'm so selfish, Oliver. I'm sorry. 

I do things without thinking of the consequences of my actions. I don't think about how the things I do will affect others.

I know the consequences of what I'm doing right now. I know how it will affect you, Vic, and many others. But I'm still doing it. I'm the definition of selfish.

I know I haven't known you long. It's been what, six or seven months? We've only been officially together for one.

But that doesn't mean I can't love you.

I do. I love you.

You have changed my life in so many ways. All those months ago, you saved my life. You have no idea how much I thank you for that.

You were there, and you saved my life.

You gave me the one thing I wanted more than anything.

Love.

Thank you.

I don't know what else to say here.

Thank you. For giving me the best last few months of my life.

You were the best thing to ever happen to me. 

You know, it's funny. When I first met you, I never thought you'd become such a big part of my life. You were just some stranger who had saved me when I didn't want to be saved.

At the most, I figured we would be friends. You were cute, yeah, but back then I was head over heels in love with Vic.

But then, we got close. We became friends, but the close kind that hang out ALL the time.

It was around that time that Vic started distancing himself from me. All I had was you.

And I become to realize you were more than enough.

It's not like I loved you from the start. Because I didn't. I couldn't.

But all the cuddling, the affectionate and kind gestures, the mindless teasing, it made me realize that I had a crush on you.

I always had known you were gorgeous. But then you became almost irresistible.

Your smile, your laugh, they make my day. I live for the way you poke fun at me, our silly banter. And most of all, the gentle kisses you give me.

Truth is, I didn't realize I loved you until I kissed Vic. 

See, being in love with him for so long, I had a lot of time to imagine what it would be like to kiss him. When I finally got it to happen, it was almost exactly as I imagined.

But it wasn't what I wanted anymore.

I wanted you.

I still do.

I know we're not going to get married, or have children. We aren't going to have the future we wanted.

But when I'm gone, just think of what we had. What we had was amazing. I don't think there's any denying that.

What we had, it'll have to be enough.

I don't really know how you're going to react when you read this, when you find out I'm dead.

I'd like to imagine you'll be fine. I don't ever want you to be sad, or in pain. But I know that's unrealistic thinking.

All I ask is that you mourn my death, and move on. Just like I told Vic.

Don't linger on something that is unchangeable.

I want you to lead a happy life. I want you to find someone, fall in love again. Marry, have children.

Do all the things we couldn't.

This letter got very out of hand and longer than I intended for it to be. My mind is kind of a mess right now, and I have a lot to say.

But I think that I've said everything there is to say.

So goodbye.

I love you, Oliver.

So very much.

\- Kellin xxxx (please don't  
forget me)


	21. Sequel

Hey guys! So if you didn't read all my previous authors notes, then you probably don't know that there will be a sequel to this story up soon! The story will be entitled Love Me Like You Used To, and I'll post it in around a week or so!

I just wanted to thank all of you who have read this for voting, commenting, and well, reading. It means so much to me. I never thought I'd get 1K reads. 

Once I'm done writing the sequel, I'll be writing a Kohnnie story, along with a (MANY) Kellic stories.

Anyway, I love you all so much. 

Keep living <3

\- xxx Alicia


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